By Penelope Snooze
Senior Correspondent for Construction Materials
Though Jefferson Dining Hall has yet to close its doors, hopeful suitors are already lining up for the chance to fill the soon-to-be vacant space.
The most likely fate of the most-ironically loved dining hall on campus is a roller rink, according to Sue Twearer, who is in charge of student stuff.
“We know you kids love to roller skate, so we thought this would really be the cat’s pajamas,” she said. “At least, that’s what (Student Senate Czar) E. L. Ectme told me.”
An unofficial Pest survey taken by asking one guy who walked past the newsroom found that he wouldn’t roller skate, but if Jeff Hall’s mozzarella sticks are still being served, he’d probably go.
Another possible candidate for the Jeff vacancy is Chuck E. Cheese’s, but CEO Charles Cheese said he’s not sure what his research department is thinking.
“No, we’re not really interested in college campuses. We don’t even serve alcohol!” he said, adding the company’s primary audience is people less than 10 years of age.
“Did that sound creepy?” Cheese added.
A dark-horse candidate to move in is Jo-Ann Fabrics, which plans to target those kids who crochet hats for everyone. When asked how serious the company is about its plans, spokeswoman Corty Roy said: “Very.”
Twearer said she thinks all the options would be better than the former dining hall.
“And if any goons have a problem with quality fabrics, he or she can come see me in my office,” she said. “I have the power to expel people, and I won’t hesitate to use it on some kind of Philistine who doesn’t see the difference between tulle and taffeta.
“That last part is off the record.”
