Dear Dubya,
Your recently announced intention to steer American space exploration back toward the moon is a wonderful idea. Frankly, I rarely have approved of your plans and programs during your tenure in the White House, but this time
I think you're really on to something.
The moon is so far away. So, so delightfully far away. We, as a society, must carefully choose who we deport, er, send as the first exiles, I mean, astronauts to set foot on lunar soil since the '70s. Thus, I have some suggestions.
Please, Mr. President, send these people to the moon:
The poor man has reduced himself to a laughingstock. If for nothing else, put Michael Jackson out of his own misery and give him a ticket to the moon. At least there he won't be able to make a further embarrassment of himself.
2. Paris Hilton. It's hard to pinpoint exactly why I don't like Paris Hilton. Perhaps this is because it's hard to pinpoint exactly why anyone likes her. She's really not that pretty. She's a rich, snobby brat. I am sick and tired of seeing her on commercials while I'm trying to watch football on FOX. Inseminating cows will never, ever be funny. I don't care who is
doing it.
In fact, if there's enough room on the rocket to the moon, Mr. President, go ahead and send anyone who has ever been on a reality TV show. Earth will be much more real without them.
3. Linkin Park. Mr. President, you might be unfamiliar with the new rock music of Linkin Park. If so, take a few minutes to tune in to a local D.C. modern rock station and listen for the whiny, constipated voice singing about angst (whatever that is) over the same three dull, monotonous metal chords. It doesn't matter which song you catch. They all sound the same.
Additionally, the band can't spell correctly. It's L-I-N-C-O-L-N. He was a president, like you. Is spelling words wrong supposed to be cool? Maybe it is on the moon. Send them there to find out.
4. Pete Rose. People might give you some flak for this one, Mr. President, but I don't care. Pete Rose is a liar. Pete Rose is selfish. Pete Rose is not terribly bright. He is by no means a role model for aspiring young athletes. Only a pushover cannot see his recent book release and apology as the feeble cry for attention that they really are.
Sure, Pete Rose was an incredible baseball player. He belongs in the Hall of Fame. But an apology after more than a decade is a little late. Put him in the Hall, then put him on the moon. The future of baseball will be better without him.
5. Ben Roethlisberger. This one is purely a personal favor, Mr. President. For me and all the people in Athens, Ohio, please spare us the pain of seeing a RedHawk quarterback succeed in the National Football League. I know it's not very sportsmanlike, but I just don't like Miami.
Sincerely, Joe Rominiecki
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Joe Rominiecki
