They're everywhere. Beautiful people walking or driving around town, looking confident, all with one thing in common - a cell phone attached to the side of their head. They ignore the world around them, deep in conversation with someone equally special. They're obviously cooler than me - but is it
just the cell phone or something deeper?
For years I have purposefully avoided buying a cell phone, as much as girls avoid engineering students. But a voice has always whispered in the back of my mind (not that voice, a different one) that maybe a cell phone would make me look cool, even cooler than cigarettes would, and on top of that, maybe the cell phone would be useful.
On the other hand, from the original giant gray AT&T phone to the modern picture phone, these devices have been making people look stupid for over 20 years, and who's to say it wouldn't have that same effect on me?
Most sports fans have had the experience of nervously watching a basketball player take his free throws only to see in the background some lunatic on his phone waving frantically, pointing at his own head, and mouthing the words, Oh my gosh can you see me? I'm on TV! This is how Pamela Anderson was discovered!
Last year my dad got a temporary promotion at work that came with an extra load of responsibility and a company cell phone. This news was broken on my sister's answering machine, and went a little like this:
Hello
(speaking much too loudly) this is cellular dad! I'm calling on a cell phone! Have you ever used one before? You don't even have to be at your own house! What will they come up with next?
My dad quickly lost the promotion and the cell phone, but he had been bitten by the technology bug. One dark day I received this unsettling call from my mother:
Hey Josh (practically yelling) guess where I'm calling from? A car! Can you believe it? Daddy and I bought a cell phone! I'm trying to learn how to use it! Can you hear me? I'm talking as loudly as I can! Your father just farted! Now that I have a cell phone I can tell you things like that! Isn't it great?
No mom, it is not great. Your feelings on Smurfs and Scooby Doo cartoons when I was a child parallel my feelings on cell phones: they are the devil.
But even if cell phones are the devil, the thought still lingers: Can they make me cool? Unable to resist any longer, I finally caved and bought one, and boy am I glad I did.
How did I ever live without this? For only $30 a month plus $8.67 in regulatory fees, $3 in connection fees, $2.89 in roaming charges and $4.37 in added fees, I can stay connected anytime I want, and look cool doing it.
Sitting in my living room watching TV with my roommates, a devious plan hatched in my head. I snuck into the kitchen, and with my new cell phone I dialed the number of my own house. When my unsuspecting roommate answered the phone, I asked if I could speak with myself. He called me and I nonchalantly walked to the phone and said hello. Then, I pulled out my cell phone and said hello again - TO MYSELF! Hilarity ensued as I spun around and yelled to my roommates, You've been punk'd! I was met with blank stares and a partially full can of Natural Light to the skull, proving my stunt had gone over well.
So my new phone definitely makes me act cooler, but can it fulfill my lifelong dream of looking cool? I admit I haven't picked up any girls yet using my phone as a substitute for charm or personality, but as I pose in the mirror and pretend to talk into my Motorola I feel it's going to happen any day now, and I ask the ladies, Can you hear me now?
E-mail Josh at joshua.sterns@ohio.edu 17
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