Fans: slurp soda pop, not drool
by Matt LaWell
I will not watch the Lingerie Bowl.
There, I said it. Question my manhood if you must, but it stands against my politics to endorse an event that degrades women. These women deserve a nation's respect - respect that will not be had by galloping in only a brassiere and panties.
The last thing needed for the half-hour of exploitation that is a Super Bowl halftime show is 14 women attacking one another while running around in garments fit for only the bedroom. God knows Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera lip-synching another bubble-gum chart-topper is more than enough.
And speaking of God, the Big Man wrote a verse in 2 Timothy that reads: Treat younger women as sisters
with absolute purity. You wouldn't sneak a peek at your sister getting ready in the morning, would you?
Granted, these women need to respect themselves enough to not partake in this excuse for a bacchanalia, but they don't need the encouragement of nearly every man between ages 18 and 45.
So, when halftime rolls around and you're caught between running to the store for another bag of chips or planting your tush on the couch to watch this marginally legitimate athletic event, make sure not to leave your Kroger card at home.
Those Doritos might be on sale.
Peep-per-view causes drooling
by Mike Cotrill
Now I want to start by questioning LaWell's manhood. He can't be serious. I mean are there two better words in the English language than brassiere and panties? Perhaps the words equivocate and dictionary but it's a close race.
So when halftime of the Super Bowl comes, you can bet that I'll be sitting in front of the Lingerie Bowl, drool working its way slowly down my sexist chin.
Now LaWell will say this is dirty, but ignore him. Let's look at the facts: This Lingerie Bowl is American capitalism at its best. These young ladies work hard to put on this show, and we owe it to them to watch. You're not a communist are you? Then why would you want to put these hard-working ladies out of a job?
When you think about it, sporting events are just six-minute spots filling space between beer commercials featuring attractive women. This cuts out the middleman. And I don't even have to listen to any color commentary because nothing will break my visual focus.
So say what you want about the Lingerie Bowl, but I'm in. After all, what better way for these women to earn my respect than by running around in nothing but their brassieres and panties?
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Matt LaWell and Mike Cotrill
