The government. For more than 6,000 years, this secret organization has been working tirelessly (15 hours a week) to make our lives miserable. Trailer park UFO rectal probes? That's the government. The force behind the early demise of television's Designing Women? You guessed it - the government.
This oppressive good ol' boys club holds us down with overwhelmingly harsh seatbelt laws and strong-armed tactics like putting In God We Trust on the national money. But these obvious manipulations have nothing on the more sinister, covert operations used to keep us in check; the worst of these being the Food Pyramid.
From an early age school children are brainwashed into following the government's strict nutritional guidelines laid out on the innocuous-looking Pyramid. When was the last time you saw a child enjoying a chocolate bar? It just doesn't happen. The Soviet-style conditioning forced on public-school children has taken the joy out of sugar, a food product the Pyramid taunts children to use sparingly.
At the same time the Food Pyramid forces Americans to eat six to 11 servings of bread and pasta every day. That's a lot of carbs. I wonder what Dr. Atkins would say about that. Sadly, we have no way of knowing that, other than reading his book, as he died recently under questionable circumstances. A government autopsy claims he died of a heart attack. Ha! Are we to believe the creator of a diet that encourages followers to eat only meat and fat had a coronary? Well the wool will not be pulled over my eyes, Jack! The much more plausible scenario is a government assassination, carried out to silence Dr. Atkins' refutation of the insidious Food Pyramid.
Why distrust the Pyramid? First, the government's nutritional guidelines are only intended for one purpose: to create a race of super-healthy fighting cyborgs like Al Gore. The only thing missing is body armor and the replacement of our brains with computers. The second reason is that these rules are simply impossible to follow.
Case in point. Like many 130 pound hard-bodies, my supplement of choice is the Vita-Smart chewable animal shapes vitamin. It includes all the chemicals a growing body needs, like Cyanocobalamin and Yellow No. 6. It also has 100 percent of certain vitamins like Vitamin E and Folate. Unfortunately, even this top-of-the-line vitamin is unable to supply users with the U.S. government's recommended daily doses. Imagine my horror when I noticed these vitamins only contained 13 percent of the recommended dose of biotin. Thirteen percent! It's a wonder I can function at all. And they contain only 4 percent of my sodium. I need to eat 25 of these vitamins every day to achieve proper sodium intake, but by that time I already have 3,575 precent of the necessary Vitamin B6 daily intake. I could fix this problem with my 500mg Vitamin C supplement pills, which have 40 mg of sodium, but by the time I take 50 of those to get 100 percent of my sodium, I'll have ingested 41,650 percent of the recommended Vitamin C intake. That much Vitamin C could drop an elephant in its tracks. Is the government trying to kill me too?
If that well-thought-out and logical argument isn't enough to convince you, think of this: Why call it a pyramid? It's not shaped like a pyramid. Look at the symbolism. The pyramids were built by slave labor, and now Americans are slaves to the government's phony nutritional guidelines.
The solution? Fight back. Let the man know you're sick and tired of his mind games. Refuse to be a super healthy fighting cyborg. If you want to eat an entire stick of butter, go ahead. And if you're on the Atkins diet, make it two sticks!
Send him an e-mail at joshua.sterns@ohiou.edu
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Josh Stens
