This weekend, television will offer a refreshing alternative to not wasting your life, as the 46th Annual Grammy Awards are broadcast into houses around the world. The 14-hour-long rich-people-congratulating-themselves extravaganza marathon will be sure to please, as guests such as 50 Cent and Earth, Wind & Fire are scheduled to perform (separately, unfortunately).
Many of you are asking, Can we come to your house to watch the Grammys and eat chips? As much as I would like to eat chips with you fine gentlemen, the answer is regrettably no, as I will be watching/boycotting this year's awards ceremony.
It's not that I have something against awards ceremonies or music stars ... wait - yes it is. It is those things and so much more.
One great reason to not watch the Grammys is the people. For instance, Richard Marx of Right Here (Waiting for You) fame is nominated for a Grammy this year. I know - I thought he died in the mid-90s too. But he didn't! And now he's nominated for co-writing the song Dance with my Father with Luther Vandross.
Now, I've never heard this song, but far be it from me to have to know anything about something before I ridicule it. Not only is this incest anthem nominated, but Richard Marx is also performing a tribute to Vandross at the show, his first performance since he sang at the Old Country Buffet open mic night in Milwaukee last summer.
Another great reason to ignore the Grammys is the acceptance speeches. Country singers and gangstas alike all thank God when they win. Well I've read the Bible, and it's pretty clear no matter who wins, God does not like their music. And another tip - after writing a song about dancing with your dad or Stacy's mom or any other song nominated this year, thanking God for giving me the strength and whatnot in your acceptance speech is not enough to smooth things over. You are still going to hell.
Which brings us to the most important reason to boycott the Grammys - the music. Now of course most of us, including myself, listen to and enjoy all of this music. We know it's crap, but we're dumb and musicians are pretty, so what can we do?
This said, they just don't make music like they used to. For instance, Kelis's song Milkshake is nominated this year. I've seen the video, so I know she's talking about something dirty, but I'm not sure what that is. Her milkshake's better than yours ... am I missing something?
It seems to me songs from the olden days actually meant something, with a message you could understand. Take a personal favorite of mine, and the creed I live by, Lonesome Loser
by rock icons Little River Band: Have you heard about the lonesome loser beaten by the queen of hearts every time. Now THAT'S symbolism. Any intelligent listener can understand the queen of hearts is actually referring to the lonesome loser's bookie, who beats him senseless when he's late on a payment or can't afford the juice.
Even teenyboppers used to be able to learn something from pop music. For instance, the New Kid's ballad Didn't I (Blow Your Mind This Time) is a heart wrenching declaration on gun control, set to a throbbing beat and that cool move where they all turn around with one arm out pointing towards the crowd.
Songs like Lonesome Loser and Didn't I (Blow Your Mind This Time) had a clear and important message. Kelis, on the other hand, just leaves listeners confused and thirsty.
So it's settled. The Grammys are unacceptable and should not be viewed. On the other hand, Justin Timberlake might accidentally rip someone's clothes off.
ACCIDENTALLY.
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Josh Sterns
