Like it or not, Halloween is the one time of the year when people actually go out of their way to be scared, be it from scary movies, creepy costumes or alcohol-induced hallucinations.
I get no such luck. Being so wrapped up in the world of sports, I witness frightening characters every day year round. Keeping in theme with this whole time of the year to be scary thing
here are some of sport's scariest figures.
WARNING: The following is so horrific that you are advised to turn your head and not read this column. In no way will Mark Shugar be held accountable for any sleep lost because of his accounts of the following athletes.
No. 10: Alex Rodriguez If a man can be called a professional and earn a quarter-billion dollars to make a childish play like smacking the ball from an opposing player's glove in an MLB playoff game, that is a scary thing for sports. Also, sign me up. I can do that, too.
No. 9: Team Iceland That's right, Mighty Ducks 2 gave us the scary man-boy team of hockey in the form of Team Iceland. Probable steroid use, intimidating accents, facial hair and dressing alike are just some of the reasons I feared meeting a team like Iceland during my days on the ice (though I would have met their trainer any day).
No. 8: Bo Jackson I'm not talking real life Bo; I'm talking original Nintendo's Tecmo Super Bowl Bo. The man was utterly impossible to tackle. I used to love receiving punts, running back to my own one-yard-line (or even into the end zone) and then running through the entire opposing team for the touchdown. I mean I would run from player to player almost asking to be tackled and laughing as each failed miserably. I may have been one nerdy little kid, but imagine how scary a real life Tecmo Bo would be.
No. 7: The Phillie Phanatic He's big, he's green and he has a midriff that is only topped by his crazy nose. If there were a monster in my closet when I was little, the Phanatic would have been created in the image of my worst nightmare.
No. 6: John Madden I don't know, there's just something about Madden I can't handle. His love of the game is a little unnerving to the point where sometimes I awake in a cold sweat at night yelling, BOOM! Every Thanksgiving there's the turkey with way too many drumsticks, leading me to wonder: Madden, harmless football announcer or crazy genetic scientist?
No. 5: Mike Tyson I reserved the five-spot for a cliché and Tyson is the cliché scary man of sports. He has creepy tattoos, threatens to eat opponent's children and enjoys amassing felony charges. Never would I be more scared to hear Fweeze or I will be forced to use violence in a dark alley than if it were Tyson.
No. 4: John Randall OK, seriously. The dude painted his face, yelled like a savage and all but crushed people on the opposing team. I would have never had the guts to go head to head with Randall. To this day, I consider him the most intimidating football player ever because, let's face it, a man who turns the football field into a scene from Braveheart is a guy who should not be messed with.
No. 3: Tanya Harding Anyone who is crazy enough to actually have a crowbar hit carried out -about figure skating -is a force to be reckoned with. On the plus side, at least Harding didn't take off her skate and try to stab someone.
No. 2: Bill Cowher Never, ever, ever-ever-ever have I seen this man happy. The score could be 22-0 Steelers and Cowher would still look like he wants to choke someone on the sidelines. I just want to meet him some day and ask, What can I do for you man? Just name it
whatever helps you to put the chin away.
No. 1: Kerri Strug Gold medal or not, I still remember being scared out of my mind by that annoying high-pitched voice. It's just unnatural. To this day, I cannot stand to see her. When she was the question on Jeopardy! the other day, I yelled at the TV. And, yes, I change the channel every time the commercial for the '90's version of Trivial Pursuit comes on.
-Mark Shugar is a sophomore journalism major who will miss Ohio sports during the Halloween weekend because, outside of the Bobcats, he has no life. Pretty scary, huh? Send him an e-mail at mark.shugar@ohiou.edu.
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