If there is one thing in this world I find the most arousing, it would be the English language. That is actually a bit of an exaggeration, but the fact remains: I get off on words.
As this column probably has suggested over the course of the quarter, I am a sucker for wit. Ever since I learned to fool my junior high friends with the falsely suggestive word masticate to answer their questions of what I did last night, I've had an attraction to the perversions of the language.
It is taboo to say I masturbated last night
but it is acceptable to have masticated. Naturally though, the perverted young mind thinks, Awww he's naughty. This makes the joke all the better because your friends are exposed as degenerates, not you.
Today's column will act as a guide to the perverted language -for those with virgin ears, head over to the opinion page.
In my research of suggestive words, I found this gem: zyzzyva. A zyzzyva is a tropical American weevil. Ladies, next time you are at a bar, ask that annoying guy who won't stop trying to buy you a drink if he wants to see your zyzzyva. He will assume you are just slurring a come-on to show him your naughty spot, but he will definitely stop bugging you after you whip out a disgusting insect.
After stumbling across the word shunt I wonder if railroad workers ever tire of making jokes about the expression for a train-track switch. If I worked a railroad job, I definitely would have uttered, Hit that shunt so that the train can penetrate the tunnel
at least once.
Imagine reading this sentence in a local paper: After her boyfriend found out she was never going to sleep with him
he had her defenestrated. If thoughts of sexual abuse or deflowering came to mind after reading that, get your mind out of the gutter. He threw her out a window. There is nothing fallacious about the fact that the English language has a word for being thrown from a window.
If a man ever complains about a bruised tailbone, ask him if massaging his coccyx will help. Unless he is a doctor, he probably will be offended or perplexed. Either way, his life will be better after you tell him it's the medical term for tailbone, and he probably should visit the doctor's orifice -whoops, I mean office.
By now some might feel this column is cockamamie and that I am just exploiting my privileges as a columnist. If you feel this way, I would hope you would criticize me to my face -I think it is best received aurally. As far as I am concerned, my poppycock further proves I am a cunning linguist.
-Gillespie is a junior creative writing major. Send him an e-mail at bg186203@ohiou.edu.
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Blake Gillespie
