We have all been there: Your thumbs are green and aching from the “cultivation” that had to be done in preparation. Ready for the activity set before you, you reach for your tried and true bong and you see the once beautiful, glistening piece now looks like it went off-roading in a Ford F-150.
You put it off. “When I'm done, I’ll clean it, ” you say, fully knowing that will not happen. It continues to build and emanates a smell that reminds you never to eat asparagus and Brussels sprouts at the same time, until it is too late. The stem is so clogged up that the only option left is to just throw the piece away.
And honestly, why would you waste your money on all of the artistic choices the glass market has to offer when all you do is trash them by letting it fill with what can only be described as a rotten loogie.
People treat cleaning their bong like it is some massive chore that requires a hazmat suit and a government permit. In reality, taking five minutes every once in a while saves you from turning your prized possession into a science fair project.
The most immediate difference is flavor. A clean bong lets you taste the most natural parts of your flower instead of the past three months of accumulated regret.
Over time, resin and tar coat the inside of the glass and muddy the flavor profile of your strains. Suddenly, everything tastes burnt, stale and vaguely like you are a guest in Shrek's swamp.
Cannabis has a distinct terpene profile for a reason. The pinene, limonene, myrcene and linalool flavors and aromas are a part of the experience. Smoking out of a dirty bong is like pouring an expensive sauvignon blanc into a gas station coffee cup. Technically, you are still drinking it, but you are missing the entire point.
Then there is the smoothness factor. A clean bong hits like Sade’s “Smooth Operator, enjoyable on every occasion. That neglected, dirty vase you call a bong hits like Drake’s "Cheetah Print” when you are waiting for the bathroom at Pawpurs. You start questioning why you are even trying.
A hit from a dirty bong is a form of straight punishment. Every pull feels harsher, hotter and somehow gives the essence of your dad yelling at you that you are mulching wrong at 7 a.m. on a Saturday.
The resin buildup restricts airflow and forces you to pull harder, usually ending in a coughing fit that has you questioning every life decision that led you to that exact moment.
But beyond taste, functionality and the fact that you spent half your paycheck on that new bong, there is the health side of it all. Stagnant bong water is disgusting and there is no elegant way to phrase that. If your bong water looks like you scooped it out of a ditch after a rainstorm, dump it.
Neglecting to clean your piece allows bacteria, mold and other contaminants to grow inside of your bong and downstem. You know, the parts where you are inhaling from.
The warm water, leftover plant matter and constant moisture create an all-inclusive resort for germs and bacteria. That means that every hit comes with the possibility of inhaling things that you don't remember the guy in the blue Corolla telling you.
Smoking anything is damaging enough to the respiratory system, with increasing risk of infection and pneumonia. The added title of bacteriologist would not look particularly good on a LinkedIn update.
Nobody is asking for bong owners to become obsessive neat freaks overnight. We all know that would never happen. There is a very clear line between a “well-loved piece” and something that belongs in a medical documentary about the next virus we may need to be afraid of.
If your bong bubbles with the enthusiasm of a clogged garbage disposal and smells like a wet hiking boot, the universe may be trying to tell you something.
Treat your glass with a little dignity. After all, if you care enough to buy the fancy swirled mushroom bong with three percolators and a name like “The Wizard’s Kiss,” you should probably care enough to rinse the prehistoric sludge out of it.
BudPost is a cannabis opinion column that does not reflect the views of The Post. Have thoughts? Email the Editor in Chief editor@thepostathens.com
