If you are like me, there are some times when thinking about all the pressing political issues of the world can get a little tiring. So when the world gets me down, I rely on picking up my views on the society with the ever-reliable Rev. Pat Robertson. I discovered one handy way I can listen to Rev. Pat's infinitely finite wisdom is referring to his Quote-a-Day Calendar.
And with each day, I am freed from the rigors of forming rational thoughts.
How is this possible? Well, Rev. Pat has discovered God's divine plan, and gives it to you one day at a time. This inspirational calendar includes all of the televangelist's gems from the last several years, conveniently compiled so that you get your daily dosage of Christian fanaticism.
The updated edition even contains his recent comments about Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon, who suffered a severe stroke last Wednesday.
The latest addendum to the calendar, from the Jan. 5 edition of Robertson's TV show The 700 Club: God has enmity against those who divide my land. ... [Sharon] was dividing God's land
and I would say woe unto any prime minister of Israel who takes a similar course to appease the [European Union] the United Nations or the United States of America. God says: 'This land belongs to me. You'd better leave it alone.'
Now, many people might think that old age, a weight problem and high blood pressure would cause a stroke, but those concepts are complicated and require understanding of things not spelled out in the Bible. With Rev. Pat's calendar, cardiovascular diseases are simply divine punishment for pulling out of the Gaza Strip.
Rev. Pat tackles several other complex geopolitical issues, such as how to deal with the President of Venezuela (assassinate him), the State Department (nuke them) and the Supreme Court (pray for liberal justices to die or retire). As a result, the calendar can be a valuable educational supplement, especially if the closest you've come to getting into college was listening to Toby Keith's Honkytonk University.
And the calendar is still useful even after all the pages are gone, because, by reading Rev. Pat's wisdom every day for a year, you will know how to apply his intimate understanding of God's divine will to more local matters.
For example, Ohio football coach Frank Solich's drunk driving conviction was not a matter of one man having a little too much to drink; it was a punishment from God. As Leviticus 11:7-8 says, And the pig though it has a split hoof completely divided
does not chew the cud; it is unclean for you. You must not eat their meat or touch their carcasses; they are unclean for you.
Solich clearly violated this rule when he played fullback at Nebraska in the 1960s because footballs were traditionally made from a pig's skin. God has enmity towards those who play or coach football. Solich was coaching football, and I would say woe unto any participant of Ohio football team who takes a similar course to appease the university, the alumni or the Bobcat. God says: This is my football. You'd better not touch it
unless I can play quarterback.
But as useful as Rev. Pat's calendar is, people from both sides of the political spectrum - Republicans and godless liberals alike - have criticized him for his comments. Sen. John Kerry, D-Mass., the Democratic presidential candidate of the 2004 election, said Robertson's comments about Sharon were shocking. A White House spokesman called them wholly inappropriate and offensive. Also, Southern Baptists leaders and evangelists have been trying to distance themselves from Robertson.
Fortunately, Rev. Pat and his disciples have a defense against such criticisms. According to the Web site of Robertson's Christian Broadcasting Network, he was just reminding people of what the Bible had to say about dividing Israel. I believe it was John 3:17, right after the more famous John 3:16, that said: By the way
Mr. Prime Minister
you shouldn't pull out of Gaza
because God will be a little peeved about that one. But if you do
go ahead and have an extra cheeseburger or two.
Whatever the defense, Rev. Pat's comments maybe were a little insensitive. Sharon was fighting for his life at the time, although doctors now say his chances of survival are relatively higher. However, even if he does survive, doctors are afraid that Sharon could lose his ability to think and reason.
Of course, if that happens, he and Rev. Pat will have something in common.
- Joe Merical is a senior journalism major. Send him an e-mail at jm184701@ohiou.edu.
17
