The thing I like most about having a column, besides the ability to work in my boxers, is the opportunity to help people. You see, underneath this tough, manly, Chuck Norris exterior is a sensitive, caring and sympathetic individual who wants nothing more than to aid my fellow man. And pudding ' I also want pudding. But I digress. It is in this spirit of giving that today's column will serve as a follow-up to my first column: The award-winning, critically acclaimed Dating advice from a geek. If you followed the advice given in that column, you will no doubt be in need of my knowledge and expertise of the next logical phase in your relationship: The break-up.
This is a field on which I feel safe to comment, because just like every other male on this planet, I was once a sniveling, pathetic shell of my former self after having my life ripped out from under me; the serene sanctuary of my soul shattered as every last vestige of joy was sucked away by an evil, sadistic creature I once ironically called sweetheart and sank vast amounts of money into for chocolate and movie tickets and gas wasted by going to her house because God forbid she make the trek all the way to my home. Not that I'm bitter.
My point is break-ups are painful, and unavoidably so. So why would I bother to try to provide advice on how to get through one? 1) I feel that it is my duty as a columnist, and more importantly as a human being, to share my experiences with a younger audience in the hopes that their pain will be eased, if only slightly, by drawing from my wealth of knowledge; and 2) I can't really think of another idea for this week's column. So here we go.
Step one is to determine whether or not a break-up is truly necessary. I find that only three questions need be asked to determine this. 1) Are you unhappy? 2) Could you be happier with anyone else, or, at the very least, no one at all? 3) Does your partner like Napoleon Dynamite? If you answered 'yes' to any of those questions, your relationship is deader than Ashlee Simpson's career.
Step two, and this step is absolutely crucial to a healthy break-up, is to pick an appropriate break-up speech. This should be riddled with clich+
it's me; it's not working out; we should see other people; and of course, by the way I'm becoming a nun.
Once you have every tried euphemism for I'm more interested in your friend/brother/sister/parent/etc. than I am in you memorized, you should immediately start gossiping about him or her to your friends. This way, via the wonderful social construct known as the grapevine your partner will already be aware of the break-up and will be well prepared, mentally speaking, to handle the news once you give it to him or her. Of course, the embarrassment caused by the gossip may lead to horrendously extreme results, such as crying, the destruction of your car, or public slander via certain undergarments of yours being hoisted up flagpoles, but these are rare symptoms occurring in only 85 percent of all cases ' a number I just made up.
Now that you have your speech ready and your social network a-buzzin', you only need one element to make your presentation complete: background music. Personal favorites of mine include I Heard it Through the Grapevine
One Week and Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer (it reminds your new ex that despite the fact that he or she lost you, he or she has yet to lose his or her grandma to a Christmastime tragedy. Unless that actually happened, in which case it would be best to avoid that song). I personally like to use the theme from Jaws. I find it has the effect of providing warning to my ex, as well as reminding my ex that she just might be better off.
Now, I may jest about break-ups, but I'd like to remind you that, even if the circumstances are humorous, a break-up is still the end of something that was, at least in its core, a beautiful moment in two people's lives (or three, if you were unlucky, or lucky, depending on the situation). No matter what pain you might go through, just remember one thing: Despite how cruel, hurtful and rotten a break-up might be, this is a topic that allowed me to use the words grapevine
hoisted and a-buzzin' all in one column. That's gotta count for something.
17
Archives
Warren Locke
