I'll bet you one million miniature American flags that the United States is the greatest country in the world. See, that wager is what gamblers call a lock
a guarantee such as the Democrats' commitment to nominate a weenie for President every four years.
But remember, you have to bet what you know. I am the flag-bearer of freedom and the leader of liberty, so I bet on America. Andrew Shisila and Brent DeCoster of Ohio University's baseball team must know more about sports, so it would make sense if they bet on sporting contests, as they have been accused.
OU and the NCAA claim gambling is wrong. Of course, the Democrats are always gambling with our tax dollars. Programs for the sick or hungry only exacerbate societal problems. If you give a liberal a cookie, he'll ask for a glass of milk from a cow that hasn't been fed growth hormones.
What I fail to grasp with my tight American grip is why gambling is wrong. Trusted institutions have been encouraging gambling for years. Our virtuous government endorses gambling by encouraging lottery ticket sales, though maybe it's not the best way to gamble ' your chance of winning the lottery is about as good as the Democrats passing effective health care legislation.
Even God approves of gambling ' church bingo always makes sure the church can afford those brand new stained-glass windows. Plus, the event draws old people away from popular entertainment locations and safely stores them in a basement, ready and waiting to vote Republican on Election Day.
Church and state are united on the positives of gambling. And that's exactly what we need in this country: more unity between the church and state.
While Shisila and DeCoster have received quite a bit of criticism for the alleged gambling ring, nobody seems to be looking at the positive implications. Thanks to their athletic scholarships, baseball players most likely have more money lying around than, say, a regular student who is paying for those scholarships. Those well-to-do baseball players could have spent their money on anything. War bonds would be an obvious choice, but the kids also could have rented strippers or purchased performance-enhancing drugs. Merely betting on sporting events seems downright wholesome compared to what they could have been doing with the money.
Heck, they could have done the unthinkable and flushed their money to one of the unelectable Democratic presidential candidates.
If guilty, Shisila and DeCoster would still be amateur gamblers, though, and if there is any advice to be learned about the sport within a sport, it's from the gambler-turned-chicken salesman, Kenny Rogers. You got to know when to hold 'em know when to fold 'em and know when to sit out altogether when your scandalous university can't take another black eye.
Our Republican party is going through the same thing, friends. We spied on our own citizens, then we annihilated habeas corpus and now we're torturing everyone. So last election, we let the Democrats gain a few chips and control of the legislative branch. In gambling and politics, you have to wait for the opportune moment to bet and win big.
The alleged baseball betters' cards were simply called sooner than they were expecting.Chris Yonker is a senior journalism major. E-mail him your friendly wagers at cy129904@ohiou.edu
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