Start waving your flags and firing your six-shooter indiscriminately in the air. It is a new quarter at Ohio University and also a new year.
But while the Year of the Fire Pig is winding down in China, the Western world has already been treated to the beginning of yet another arbitrary distinction of time. While most of the world mindlessly continues to write 2007 on our checks and papers, go-getters are attempting to better themselves and their country through New Year's resolutions.
As an ultra-conservative, the idea of change even at the personal level is so repulsive that it dangers the well-being of the caviar and filet mignon in my stomach at any given time.
Resolutions are a silly idea, for sure. But one of my yearly resolutions is to appear nicer to liberals by pretending to care about what they say or believe in. A look of concern, coupled with a consistent head nod, should do wonders to neutralize the archaic liberal notion that everyone has a voice to be heard.
But as for the resolution itself, what should we change? America is without a doubt the best country in the world. Therefore, as citizens of the best country, would we not as well be the best? The liberal media is always quick to suggest otherwise, giving the impression that Americans are less than the champions we know ourselves to be.
The liberal fear factory we know as the media are always quick to suggest shedding those flabby pounds of disgusting body fat as a resolution, so that we may conform to the Hollywood conception of beauty.
Do those Hollywood folks understand the beauty of a crowd at a tractor pull singing the national anthem? Do they get tears in their eyes when they see an American crack open an ice-cold domestic beer and loft it to his lips on a hot Louisiana morning? I bet those slime balls have participated in fewer U-S-A chants in their whole lives than I personally started last week.
Sure, 66 percent of Americans may now be considered overweight or obese. And OK, there may be health complications from being too fat. But these are the responsibilities that every American must stomach. As consumers of the world, it's our job to shove as much stuff as we possibly can down our throats and hope our strong American intestines will make quick work of the sugars and carbohydrates in addition to the poverty of those who work so hard to bring us those sugars and carbohydrates.
Next on the 2008 to-do list is spend more time with family and friends. And while this may be a fun little wish to put at the top of your list, our economy has to grow about 3 percent every year. When we don't, we go into recession, giving liberals the excuse to start taxing more. So do your part, slim, and help keep America growing. Work those weekends, after hours, whatever it takes to make America the best.
Plus, all that extra overtime can be used to knock out another New Year's resolution. Getting out of debt is something that many Americans are trying to do this year, and it is a goal the entire nation should have as well. Right now, the national debt of the U.S. is over $9 trillion. So it's time to start taking a chunk out of this debt. Heck, isn't it time to start profiting from those Iraqi oil fields that America won?
If you want to piggyback on one of my resolutions, please do. The world could use more free thinkers like me. If, for some reason, my resolutions are not good enough for you, try small improvements. Getting up 15 minutes earlier to read my column or writing me fan mail about my column are always good uses of your time. Or, if you're a liberal, get a haircut.
Chris Yonker is a senior journalism major. You can share your vision for a better tomorrow at cy129904@ohiou.edu.
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Chris Yonker
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