A primal roar fills the halls of the dorm!
Crashing noises emanate from behind the door down the hall! What foul monstrosity of Flying Spaghetti Monster's creation waits behind that imitation oak and brushed stainless steel? Be careful! Let us not creep too close, so as not to risk a vicious attack when it pops the hinges off like so many wine corks!
With a primeval snarl, the being that used to be your next-door neighbor bursts from confinement and screams, I MUST HAVE THE WIRELESS! as he hurls his MacBook against the wall and begins shorting out its insides in the only way he knows how: by pouring Nati Light on them. After this, they will of course go out hunting for squirrels and roast them over the fire they've created with sparks from their laptop. Be not surprised when you examine their room later and find a large, mysterious black obelisk near their computer desk. Also take into account the large piles of straw and newspaper clippings that they've somehow managed to fashion a nest out of in the time since you last saw them with a computer.
I'm ashamed to admit that this was almost me last Friday, except without the Nati Light. My name is Nick, and I'm addicted to technology.
Hi, Nick.
It's a sad state to be in, really. When I am without technological stimulation, I feel disconnected from everything and everyone. Even if I'm with people, I'm too busy thinking about the people I'm not with, that I'm not talking to. So on Friday when I woke up and tried to get on the wireless to check how cold it was and found that I couldn't get into the network, it was ... not pretty.
Have you seen The Godfather? You know how the movie studio head screams when he wakes up? Picture that, only it's not about a prize horse, it's about my wireless interwebs.
I called the IT people like all good people do when their computer does anything minutely out of the ordinary. Oh no
we think. My icons have reordered themselves according to their date of modification and the language of the system has been changed to Chinese! What to do. Well, the IT people interviewed me over the phone, and the final analysis was that according to the way computers work, mine should be connected to the Internet, and somehow it wasn't. They even said they'd never seen it before. It was kind of exciting, in the way that coming down with a new virus that combines elephantiasis with severe microcephaly is exciting. - I thought, just maybe if I actually ... watched the movies that we watch ... I'd appreciate them more ... BRILLIANT! And I danced.
In case any of you were wondering, I'm actually writing this column while I watch The Godfather Part II. Don't you love the end of a story when the protagonist learns nothing? I sure do!
Nick Philpott is a freshman creative writing major. To make him an offer he can't refuse, send him an e-mail at np714907@ohiou.edu.
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Nick Philpott
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