As I write this, Barack Obama has been president for almost a week. He's done a lot: started closing down Gitmo, taken the Presidential Oath (twice). To quote the television show Arrested Development, There's a new daddy in town; a discipline daddy.
Now, the first 100 days are crucial for any president. Unless you're William Henry Harrison, in which case it's the first 30 days or so. So as a conscientious American citizen, I've got my own suggestions for President Obama to ensure the success of his administration.
First: When naming ambassadors to the United Nations, the first name that should come up on President Obama's list is, of course, The Lorax.
The Lorax? you say? Not the small fellow with the moustache
you mean. The one who speaks for the trees?
The very same.
Think about it. We've got to work and try to improve the environment; Al Gore told us all so in a very elaborate PowerPoint. Now, who knows the environment better than the Lorax? Sure, he's a little specialized, but I think we can get him to branch out and protect all the trees, not just the Truffula trees.
Second: Streamline the legislative process. As it is, from the time a bill is introduced, it can take a year or more for it to see a vote in one house of Congress, much less the final say on it, regardless how quickly Schoolhouse Rock would have you believe it happens. Also, as the bills go through votes, many senators and representatives add their own terms on to the bill that really have nothing to do with the legislation it entails. So how to fix this?
The obvious answer is Thunderdome. Two bills enter, one law leaves. It's that simple.
Third: Ensure national defense.
By this, I don't mean bulk up our armed forces and send them out to places. There's a little program from the Reagan administration called the Strategic Defense Initiative, but you may remember it better from it's colloquial title:
Star Wars.
Yes, readers, I'm suggesting bringing back Star Wars, but in a newer, more progressive sense. Using A-, B-, X-, and Y-Wings to replace the National Guard. Who will mess with the country that defends itself with advanced technology of such a nature? Heck, maybe after that, President Obama'll finally reveal what the Bush administration didn't want us to know: That there are lightsabers and so far the only people who are allowed to use them are in the Secret Service.
The fourth and final executive act President Obama could put into effect in his first 100 days: As he increases support to sexual education programs that also teach about abortion, he has GOT to increase the funding for Velociraptor Awareness Programs. It may sound like I've been harping on the Velociraptor problem this quarter, but I just can't stress its importance enough. If teenagers aren't informed about the dangers of Velociraptors and pre-marital dinosaur adoption, it could result in the destruction of the American family as we know it.
Well, there it is, President Obama. A convenient blueprint for your first 100 days. I don't ask for money or reciprocation. Just make sure you tell everyone you got it from Nick Philpott.
Nick Philpott is a sophomore studying playwriting and creative writing. He is almost apolitical, despite how often he's written about politics this year. Send him feedback at np714907@ohiou.edu. 4
Opinion
Nick Philpott
