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I think if we've learned anything from the past week, it's that our most renowned professional swimmer as well as our most prestigious elected official can parade before the media and admit they're sorry for things that aren't even worth apologizing for. Do you remember a time when you smoked dope? Was it a magical time? Did you have a bad trip? If you did, I bet it had nothing to do with apologizing to the children of the world for jerking off all over their collective image of your sterling morality. Besides that, you probably weren't smoking the right stuff in the first place. Check your sources. Be proactive - we're Changing America. But I still have deep, dark fears. Pretty soon kids will think that in their 20s, somewhere, somehow, they might smoke the sweetest of the sweet. What are we doing tonight? Studying? Going to the Sadie Hawkins Day Dance? Maybe we should work on our ring toss. No! Tonight we do ... 'The Shit that Killed Elvis.' 'The Shit that Killed Elvis'? You mean Quaaludes and fried chicken?! No 'The Hit that Killed Elvis' ... that's the name of the weed. Oh Right on. I don't want to sound alarmist. The last thing I want is to scare young children. They should rest assured, that even if they do journey down the green and sticky path, they'll have enough lung capacity to swim at least 400 meters away from any shipwreck they may be involved in - just enough to avoid the suction. And, if push comes to shove, they'll be able to out-swim anyone in the Entire World to get first choice of floating debris. But don't plan on turning your aquatic skills into any kind of career. We already have enough junkie swimmers, and if you want to save lives, your history of drug abuse will probably prevent you from ever joining the Coast Guard. Rest assured though, you can always get back at them by becoming their commander in chief and apologizing for all your friends who haven't done their taxes correctly. I was supposed to write a story on a different topic, one that wasn't so hackneyed and blogged-out. I'm sorry. I screwed up. Pat Hauser is a senior at Ohio University. |
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Opinion
Letter to the Editor
