This Sunday, my friend Megan is getting married.
Yes, that is the day before finals begin, and yes, I'm fairly sure she is a little crazy. But she knows it. Further evidence to her craziness:
SHE HAS NEVER SEEN STAR WARS. Or any Indiana Jones flicks. Or any James Bond movies.
Now, I thought that was illegal. Like, when you get your marriage license and they have you take a blood test so you don't have kids that are their own cousins/aunts/pets, I thought they required you to name your favorite Bond movie (GoldenEye), your favorite Indiana Jones villain (Sexy Nazi Chick from the third movie) and what color you wanted your lightsaber to be (Blue. But not light blue like Luke's, darker).
I honestly thought that was the law.
But, conveniently for you, Megan, and other soon-to-be-wedded couples, I've compiled a list of other things that have to be taken care of, prenuptially speaking:
First: Your spouse has got to know that just because your life-sized stormtrooper model is creepy doesn't mean it can leave the living room. What if burglars break in? What better deterrent than a life-sized stormtrooper.
Nothing. The answer is that nothing is better.
Second: The hamster habitat. Oh, the hamster habitat. The tubes NEED to twist and turn throughout the house so that your hamster can get exercise in preparation for the annual Hamster Thunderdome. Do you really want to be responsible for the death of your spouse's hamster? I mean, outside of Hamster Thunderdome. One's gotta die every year, that's just the way Hamster Thunderdome works.
Third: Wedding attire. Appropriate: The bride dresses in a jungle bikini (i.e. tanned animal hides), the groom dresses as a 1920s Chicago gangster. It would be amazing. Think about it. At the reception, in lieu of either Rocky Top or The Chicken Dance
you could have a gang fight. Inappropriate: JUNGLE vs. JUNGLE. One's in Africa, one's in Chicago! Only one can be victorious!
Fourth: Rings. Ring Pops are no longer acceptable since their use in the Nick Cannon/Mariah Carey wedding. Sorry, guys. Anything Mariah Carey does is immediately off-limits (like being in the movie Glitter).
Fifth: Reception band. If you can skip the DJ middleman and just get the Village People, you're golden. That's really all I had to say there.
Sixth: The guest list. Do you invite David Mamet or do you just tell him that he can make a donation to your favorite charity? It's always a balancing act, because he'll come, he'll drink several mai-tais, it just . . . it won't be pretty.
Marriage is a tough deal. Some people never want to get married, they're looking forward to living childless, unmarried lives, and I say more power to them. Some people decide to get married early, and that's cool, too. But I think Kanye gave the best advice anyone can give: If you ain't no punk holla 'We want pre-nup.'
We want pre-nup. Yeah.
Nick Philpott is a sophomore studying playwriting and creative writing. He will fight you. E-mail him at np714907@ohiou.edu.
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Opinion
Nick Philpott
