You know you're all thinking it. Especially today.
Who is Maundy and why did Jesus let us name the Thursday before Easter after him? Well, in the vein of The Da Vinci Code, that's something the church has tried to repress for years, for when the masses are confused, their opiate works so much better.
Maundy is actually the name that Jesus gave to his favorite mule. It is widely believed among mule history scholars that Maundy is the mule Jesus rode into town on Palm Sunday. In a time where walking was considered the norm for distances under 50 miles, riding a mule was like pulling into town in his new Bentley. That was covered in gold.
It was so cash.
Maundy was actually discovered when Peter fell into the sea while trying to walk on water - way to go, First Pope - and as he began to sink, Maundy uttered a heroic bray and leapt out of the water, propelling Peter back onto the boat where Jesus could chide him for his lack of faith and where he would receive an apple for his good deed.
After also using his magical mule senses to locate all the fish in the Dead Sea so that Big J could prove a point about fishing people (I'm sure it's humane), Maundy was sent to Jerusalem to stampede his muley brethren through the cross-makers's shops. This became known as the Great Mule Rebellion of 0, and the scriptures tell us that in 2013, the mules will rise again and bring about the End of Times.
I mean, 2012 is just so busy already, y'know?
The Mule Rebellion was quite successful, but it has a sad epilogue. After their dutiful service in the Rebellion, four mules were charged for a crime they didn't commit and were forced to flee to Rome, where they did good deeds - for those who could find them.
They were ... The Bray Team.
I love it when an extended pop-culture reference comes together.
After spending years avoiding the legacy of the hero of the Mule Rebellion, Maundy was discovered in the desert, drinking wine by the vase and drunkenly finding shapes in clouds. He was by this time quite old for a mule, and many of the village artisans who remembered the Mule Rebellion and the trauma it caused them demanded that Maundy have his tail cut off and reattached with a pin.
No one knew why they were committing such an act, but now you can tell your kids the horrific true story of Pin The Tail on The Donkey. Surefire way to introduce some healthy crying at a child's birthday party.
After his tragic disfigurement at the hands of the vindictive villagers, Maundy ran as fast as his hooves could carry him until finally, just outside of what is now Iran, he collapsed and died of a stroke. He is the namesake of Church of the Holy Tailless Donkey of Jesus the Christ on the Iranian border.
His legend lives, however. Many believe that Maundy is the original death faker and that he's still cruising the desert, writing protest songs for mules and just rocking on. I like to think he's out there ... somewhere.
Nick Philpott is a sophomore studying playwriting and creative writing. Don't be fooled by the column; he actually kind of likes church. Send him an e-mail at np714907@ohiou.edu.
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Nick Philpott
