All Hallow's Eve is rapidly approaching, and with it comes something of a heady realization for a dude who loves free candy and minimal effort.
I'm in the stage of my life where I'm too old to wear costumes and go trick or treating without looking totally creepy, but I'm too young to have kids and dress them up as Yoda so I can wear them on my back and do back flips through swamps. Swamps filled with cheap candy, of course. I'm benched for the next couple years, as far as trick-or-treating goes. It's okay, I can't really afford a good costume this year, anyways.
But will anyone wear the only costume that will truly terrify anyone? Will anyone on Court Street or the numerous Hallowe'en parties dress as ...
The Dark?
Yeah. I'm 20 years old and I'm still spooked by darkness. What of it?
I trace the fear back to the movie Gremlins. I love the flick now, but back in the halcyon days of being 6 years old, that film scared me sleepless, in quite a literal fashion. I slept with the lights on in terror of Stripe for weeks, lest he come to my room and demand to be put in the bathtub to produce his INFERNAL ARMY.
My parents probably still have the power bills to prove how many months the lights stayed on while I slept.
But regardless, I'm not sure how one would dress up as the Dark. I mean, for one, it would be incredibly dangerous to be walking around downtown Athens at night as a puddle of inky blackness. The horses and drunk people have already been known to head butt people who are dressed in bright colors. And secondly, what kind of material can make you look like a black hole?
I suppose the best place to start would be black or dark purple velvet. There's a reason that darkness is often described as velvety. To make sure you get that added layer of deep blackness, find some matte black paint and paint the whole garment with it. Just totally douse it. If it's not dripping off the velvet, keep going.
Now that you have that vortex of negative space to wear, you really just need to drape it on yourself, no sewing required. Like a poor man's Snuggie, perhaps. Make sure you leave eyeholes, though. And make sure they're big enough that the gravity of your Dark Snuggie doesn't suck the light into the garment, blinding you.
For those of you less interested in confronting your fear of the Dark by becoming it, there are options in defense.
Leaving the light on in your room? Totally 15 years ago. Nightlights? If you're reading this column, I'm assuming you're too old or too awesome for nightlights. So what can you do?
The first defense is, of course, to keep tabs on the closet. The closet is your front line. Who knows what kind of monsters lurk behind those thin, easily-kicked-down-by-the-forces-of-Hell doors? First step is to not leave piles of clothes on the floor, because those can be easily possessed or stolen by Hollow Men. Terrifying.
Next step is the window. We've all seen the part in Poltergeist where the little kid sees the scary tree outside his window and practically pees himself. Solution: DON'T LEAVE YOUR BLINDS OPEN, KID. Who knows what kind of spooky stuff is lurking out there? Side note: no clowns in the bedroom. Ever.
The final entryway you have to worry about is the actual doorway to your room. This one should be unobstructed for quick escapes, so leave it unlocked and clear a path before bed.
So be safe this year, Readers. Don't get in trouble on Court Street and don't get killed in your sleep.
Nick Philpott is a junior studying playwriting and a columnist for The Post. He is the mortal who shall be found with the soul for getting down. Write him at np714907@ohiou.edu.
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Nick Philpott
