Rain is a challenge.
The sun is a pushover. Passin' out vitamin D, it has no class. It is just buying your affection. Rain will never give you skin cancer that will cost you thousands of dollars in medical bills and interrupt your perfectly healthy mid-life crisis.
The rain makes you work for your happiness.
Rain makes the grass grow, the flowers bloom and the trees fill with leaves. Without the rain, the sun would just illuminate a gray-brown wasteland. You're welcome, Sun.
But does the sun ever say thank you? No, it's all, "Look at all the people laughing and playing on the beach. I'm so cool because I am a flaming ball of hydrogen." Disgusting.
Whenever possible, men just walk between the raindrops. Otherwise, men use the rain as a chance to demonstrate preparedness. Show me that weather battle garb.
Squeaky mud boots and "swishy" rain jackets let you pretend you are a one-man band that annoys people rather than entertains them. Tread quietly.
Aside from allowing drug-addicted nannies to survive unrealistic fall distances, umbrellas are a great place to hide an unnecessary sword or grappling hook - standard man devices.
Like walking uphill and shoveling snow, rain builds character. It encourages exploration of one's self; exploration is manly.
Try reliving your innocence by splashing in a rain puddle - you may want to do this somewhere people can't see you.
Rain inspires creativity and ingenuity in the choosing of recreational activities. See: mud wrestling, bathing-suit mud wrestling and team mud wrestling.
Like men, rain takes the time to diversify its interests. While rain loves romance - see "kissing in the rain" - it also devotes energy to important political issues, such as demonstrating a government's inability to respond to natural disasters such as really fast rain.
Also, like men, it adheres to a set of core principles. No matter the rain, you can be sure of two things: It's wet and it falls from the sky.
"Rain. Rain. Go away. Come again another day or else our ecosystem will collapse and all of us will die."
Men: It's raining them.
- Alex Bill is a sophomore studying psychology. Ask him about man stuff at ab279708@ohiou.edu.
@ThePostCulture
