Elegance and precision in life, particularly in written communication, really separate the men from the boys. Back in the day, men had it down. Specific, to-the-point phrases such as “food (points with finger)” and “food (rubs stomach)” allowed men to communicate a variety of detailed activities.
Today, men don’t always have the convenience of limb-based talking cues; they need to rely on Syntax. “Sin Tax? Is that like when you have to pay the church for breaking a religious rule?"
Incorrect, person who must be listening to the audio version of this article. Syntax is power.
Many people try to avoid learning syntax by using emoticons or excessive punctuation. A honed control of language is manly. Emoticons are poopy.
Example: After losing to my best friend in the semi-finals of the Midwestern Shuffleboard Regional Qualifying Tournament (that’s right, the MSRQT), I received a text that said, and I quote, “ :-P .”
Now, I could either interpret this as, “Good show my fine fellow. You almost had me when you tanged your biscuit past my scooter (It’s shuffleboard lingo),” or, “Help. My tongue is stuck to a frozen gondola pole.”
Due to this ambiguity, I don’t know whether to fire back a sidesplitting retort, call an ambulance or wonder where he decided to go skiing this time of year. All because of his wildly unspecific emoticon.
That said, most punctuation is crap (note the string of feces based insults):
Colons are for digesting.
Semi colons are for transplant recipients.
Exclamation marks are for people who cannot successfully articulate excitement or accidently miss the question mark button.
And question marks are for people who don’t know everything.
As far as men are concerned, there are only periods, period.
“YOU DID A GREAT JOB!”
You don’t feel good do you? That’s right, caps lock and exclamation marks don’t mean, “I am proud of you.” They mean, “YELLING! YELLING! YELLING! AND I CAN’T CONTROL MY LEFT PINKIE FINGER!”
You know how men solve this problem? They just write what they mean, succinctly and precisely.
Men don’t need pizzazz to show appreciation or friendship. Men don’t have to use the font style equivalent of glitter and streamers to display love or affection. They just tell the person exactly what they want to say.
Men: “I appreciate your reading my column. I hope that it made you laugh and that you enjoy your day.”
Alex Bill is a sophomore studying psychology. Ask him about man stuff at ab279708@ohiou.edu
