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Big Shot Barker: Kardashians' lesson: Life should be dramatic

Ka-ching! I wish I could cash in gossip.

I am just going to come out and say it: I’m a sorority girl.  

I know, shocking, right? I think people know that because I always use phrases like, “totes for sure!” or “those shoes are presh!”

Even with this said, sometimes I think I don’t really fit in.

Let me explain myself.

It’s a typical Tuesday night with my sisters, and we are watching the episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians when they are on vacation in Bora Bora.  

Naturally, the conversation comes up about Kim’s fairy-tale wedding that happened a few weeks prior. A few girls say they loved her dress and think she is beautiful, and then I chime in.

“I think that it is just stupid that she had a wedding registry. I mean, come on, they should have their guests donate money to charity in the couple’s names or something.”

There is this teetering silence, and then someone says, “Yeah, that would have been nice.”

I took the silence after that to mean I should continue with my tangent.

I am pretty sure people just tuned me out because I was speaking during the part when Kim is pushed into the water and then cries about losing her $75,000 earring.  

That is entertainment right there.

So I stop my previous speech to start talking about how dumb it is that someone would wear such expensive jewelry while on vacation. Then I realized something epic.

I care way too much about the Kardashians.

I feel as if I know them. Sometimes, I imagine what it would be like to have spaghetti dinners at the Jenner household. Spaghetti is apparently Kris Jenner’s specialty.  In this same dream, I imagine starting a fight with Scott Disick about his hideous suits.

After I daydream about these dinners, I start to feel creepy for being obsessive.

It’s not my fault, though. I can’t help that the family members are real-life, obviously scripted characters.

I blame E! News for corrupting my brain. I am not angry, though. The Kardashians have helped me in many ways. For example, now I know that, if people think my gluteus maximus is fake, I will just get an X-ray. Then I know to send a TwitPic of the X-ray so that all of my followers will stop hashtagging my rump and me.

However, the most important lesson I have learned from the Kardashians is life should always follow a dramatic structure.

Step 1: Introduce a common, every day event. Step 2: Invent a problem that is really not important or relevant to the situation. Step 3: Have a huge blow-up that leads to no contact for days. Step 4: Realize that the problem is in no way important to anything in life. Step 5: Meet for a cocktail and finally admit that the problem was in fact not a problem and continue with life.

These steps have molded me. These steps have taught me that money doesn’t grow on trees — it grows from a network called E!, which creates some of the world’s most influential and inspiring programs. Sarcasm might drip from my mouth, but I really do love this family.

Some might think that my fascination with the Kardashians is pathetic, but I know those same people are secretly obsessed with the K’s.

I’m going to follow the K-money train all the way home. Who’s with me?

Hallie Gebel is a sophomore studying broadcast journalism and a columnist for The Post. If you’d like join her in keeping up with the Kardashians, email Hallie at hg211609@ohiou.edu.

 

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