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Let's Be Unreasonable Here: Obama's ride can do everything but clear curbs

Here’s something Obama Girl forgot to mention.

We all know that the president of the United States has to have a nice ride. But I’m sure most of us didn’t expect him to ride in, essentially, a flashy tank.

And I’m not exaggerating when I use the word “tank.” In fact, the president’s limousine is probably safer than most tanks.

Last week, this column dealt with Obama’s protection during the inauguration ceremony. (And if you didn’t read that, you had better satisfy my ego by digging it up online.) This week, we’ll talk about his car, equally heavyset, and commonly referred to as “Cadillac One.”

The entire limousine, also known as “The Beast,” is covered with 5-inch-thick military-grade armor to protect against the most frenetic of bullet attacks. In fact, the composition is so metal-heavy that the doors of Cadillac One weigh as much as Boeing 757 cabin doors.

The tires are similarly protected. Known as run-flat tires, they are fashioned with additional layers and special materials to allow them to self-seal punctures. That is, in the case that the tires are shot at, they would still be able to run even with bullet punctures.

Also, the engines are equipped with Eaton Twin Vortices Series 1900 supercharger systems. (Whatever that means.)

Cadillac One is protected against practically all disasters falling short of a nuclear weapon. A 5-inch metal chassis under the car can prevent damage from any bomb placed there.

Meanwhile, Cadillac One is sealed so that any chemical gas attacks are rendered useless. The limousine even has a private oxygen supply stored in the rear of the car, which can be tapped if the air is contaminated with chemicals.

Cadillac One also deals efficiently with RPGs (rocket-propelled grenades) and ATGMs (anti-tank guided missiles). If these heat-seeking missiles are launched, Cadillac One can shoot out multi-spectrum infrared smoke grenades to distract the projectiles. The smoke also hides Cadillac One, similar to how an octopus ejects ink to escape from predators.

In the middle of all this confusion, the driver is able to use a special video system to see through smoke. The cameras are also outfitted with night vision for possible evening emergencies.

In the highly unlikely event that any missile is able to reach the car, Cadillac One’s metal frame is able to deal with the shock of the explosion, being composed of steel, titanium, aluminum and ceramic.  The purpose of the different materials is to break up the particular explosion forces of any projectiles. A fire-fighting tool kit is included in the trunk of the car, just in case.

And in the practically impossible event that something happens to the president, the limousine has several canisters of Obama’s own blood type stored away for emergency transfusions.

The driver himself has a few credentials up his sleeve. A practiced CIA agent, the driver is trained in emergency car driving tactics and also has access to a Remington Arms shotgun.

Finally, if the limousine is forced to fight its way through a riot, the front bumper of the car is equipped with two small holes that can eject tear gas to disperse unfriendly crowds in an escape.

In short… Don’t mess with this limo.

All this for the convenient market price of $300,000. From, yours truly, General Motors.

It is interesting to note that, although Cadillac One is stocked up with an impressive arsenal, it was defeated rather ungracefully by the curb of a driveway.  On May 23 while Cadillac One was leaving the U.S. Embassy in Ireland, it was caught on the curb of the gate, bringing Obama’s six-day European tour to a rocky start.

Just saying.

Kevin Hwang is a junior at Athens High School, takes classes at Ohio University and is a columnist for The Post. Email him at kh319910@ohiou.edu.

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