Woah there, slugger! You’re not thinking of going to class, are you?
What’s that? I didn’t hear you, on account of your voice sounds like the last dying whispers of an asthmatic Romanian orphan. Let me do the talking here. Don’t waste your strength!
Listen, I don’t mean to alarm you, but you are so sick that you’re literally about to die. The darkness is creeping toward you with every passing second, but with my help, you just might be able to –
What do you mean, “overexaggerating”? The nerve! No, it’s not “just fall allergies”! Whether you believe me or not, the deadly virus coursing through your bloodstream is something much worse. My optimistic, conservative estimate is that it’s super-cancer. My liberal estimate hasn’t gotten back to me yet; it’s still waiting for an Obamacare doctor’s opinion!
Where was I? Oh, right, your impending death. Put down that bookbag/beer keg, there’s no way you’re going to class/Chad’s friggin’ sweet party in this condition! If you’re going to beat this horrible malady, you’re going to need rest. (You can just give me the keg though. No, seriously, I’ll look after it. Ignore any slurping sounds you might hear.)
Now, some people might tell you it’s time to head over to Hudson, or Holzer, or O’Bleness. Those people are wrong. Probably assassins hired by your cousin to try and eliminate the threat to the inheritance money. Avoid windows!
No, all you need to do is listen to Doctor Ryan’s sage advice. I may not look it, but I’ve been studying medicine for years, and you can trust me to give you the professional, discreet care you deserve. First things first: You’re going to need to get naked.
No, look, just – put down the phone, there’s no need to get the cops involved here. I have a very good reason for telling you to take your clothes off this time! Right now your clothes are saturated in disease and filth; you’re never going to get healthy with them on. Burn them in a ritual offering to Xanuuthak, Lord of Plagues, that he might see fit to heal your disgusting affliction. Seriously, this is basic med school stuff here.
Next, you’re going to want to fill the bathtub up with ice. If I know anything about the ebola virus — I’m not saying you have it, but we need to keep it open as a possibility — you’re probably running a fever right now. If your temperature doesn’t feel particularly hot, that’s because you’re hallucinating. Another side effect of ebola! Have you been to southern Africa lately? No?
More hallucinations. This is getting grim.
So: bathtub full of ice, pronto. We need to cool you off before that fever makes your ears melt off, which is totally a thing I saw happen once! So go ahead and – Oh, the scalpel? I have this for, uh, a thing, that I’m working on. It’s not for you.
Seriously, just get in the tub.
Okay, awesome. See, doesn’t that feel nice and cool? If it feels like you’re getting hypothermia, that’s just part of the natural healing process. Now all you need to do is just lie there and drift to sleep.
I know you’re feeling a bit uncomfortable, especially with me putting on these rubber gloves, but when you wake up, you’ll be feeling positively kidney!
Did I say kidney? Giddy. I meant giddy. Wait, where are you going? Put the phone down, I told you – Aww man, not the pepper spray again!
Ryan McAndrews is a senior studying journalism and a columnist for The Post. For more information on kidney harvesting, email him at email@example.com.