NEWS BRIEFS
Guy who sits in corner and doesn’t contribute to group project breaks wind, whistles nonchalantly
Lone student protestor hits 10-month ‘Occupy Athens’ Anniversary, Neapolitan ice cream involved
Report: University focus group aims to focus university focus groups
Degrees to be given to 12,000 OU graduates in May, number 12,001 very upset
Job market-fearing senior support group evolves into commune after seven minutes of tear-filled discussion
Juggling Club found smuggling drugs after FBI bug lugs laced rugs, jugs and mugs
Lone student protestor the only one to attend administrator office hours for 131st consecutive day, Push Pop involved
OU swabs inside of Bromley Hall elevator, finds the reproductive cells of a fully grown male platypus
Student who emails class for notes after playing hooky forced to attend family gathering, repeatedly admit lack of post-graduation plans
“Mother of all Burritos” (or MOAB) to become Court Street’s fourth burrito establishment, sell fire hydrant-sized Mexican cuisine
Student admits temperatures on Bentley Hall’s bottom floor were “tolerable” during late spring Political Science class
Report: Students upset over extra effort needed to pass class under semester system
Report: Professors upset over extra effort needed to properly instruct courses under the semester system
Donor to give $5M gift to start Division I Jai Alai team, no one in university community wants to be the first to admit he has no idea what Jai Alai is
Senior upset after stealing brick without “Athens Block” engraving
Freshman successfully dodges Morton Hill bumblebee en route to first class
Sophomore men’s basketball player unveils massive Giga-Pet collection, teammates ‘cool with it’
University president wants new residence for recreational paintball use
Report: University president wants new residence so he can “put on a few Diana Ross records, kick it”
University to install Morton Hill escalator
Police chief: “My middle name is Clarence, okay? Sure, maybe it’s why I became a cop. I don’t know. I’m calling my mother.”
Student Senate opens Bobcat Lane, mayor stages daily solo protests by sitting in the middle of the street, eating a peanut butter and banana sandwich
—Ace Grovney, Resident Correspondent
WHAT'S HAPPENIN'?
11:30 a.m.
Administrators will host “free pizza” lunch at Baker University Center, pretend to field concerns over tuition increases
2 p.m.
Administrators will hold crucial ABC Budget Meeting behind closed doors
7 p.m.
Administrators will attend Student Senate meeting, pretend to field concerns over tuition increases
10:30 p.m.
Administrators will lose zero winks of sleep over tuition increases because of sheets with substantial thread counts
