Graduation is approaching, friends and enemies, and let me tell you, for a while there I was terrified. It seemed like I’d applied for jobs everywhere! The music production thing with Glee fell through, then there was that Pope fiasco, and after my botched attempt at applying to Chipotle I’m no longer allowed 50 feet within the Mexican border. But I’ve finally found the perfect entry-level job for the young college graduate:
Folks, you’re looking at Justin Bieber’s new publicist.
Now, I’ve never considered myself much of a “belieber,” but in my defense that’s because I originally thought the term applied to some sort of medieval demon. Now that I know it actually refers to a Canadian pop superstar’s legion of adoring fans, I totally consider myself a beliezabub or whatever it was I was just talking about!
As Mr. Bieber’s new publicist, part of my job entails damage control whenever some embarrassing details of his personal life come to the surface. Considering he’s a 19-year-old pop singer from Canada, this is basically me getting paid to do nothing, which has always been my lifelong dream. I mean, seriously, what could he possibly do that would require me to — oh, wow, already? He tried to attack a photographer?
Okay, well, that’s — that’s understandable. As a journalism student, I’ll be the first to admit it’s hard to resist punching myself sometimes. The photographer in that video was being really crass, and Justin’s under a lot of pressure! The poor kid is the single most scrutinized celebrity in the world, and he’s got a constant legion of manipulative publicists and PR people trying to build an entire media empire around him. (Note to self: check to see if Stephen Harper got back to us about re-naming the country “Bieberland.”)
And then, well, I guess I should talk about the monkey thing. Yes, I know Justin has a bad habit of adopting animals, using them as props in media appearances, and then giving them away, but come on, Mally the monkey was different! Those two shared a special bond: one a small, squeaking primate that shrieks nonsense, and the other...
Oh, I see what this is. You think you can trick me into insulting the Biebs! Nice try, funnyman. The point is, there comes a time in life where we all have to let our pet monkeys go, step on our private jets and fly away to the Playboy Mansion. It’s part of growing up.
Also, look me in the face and tell me that “Justin Bieber loses his monkey” isn’t the best headline you’ve ever read. Spoiler alert: you can’t, because it is.
See, here’s the thing: for all his fame and fortune, Justin Bieber’s only a human being, and humans make mistakes. Just this past weekend I stabbed a drifter 17 times and buried his body in my grandma’s petunia patch! And since I’m not famous, the incident was forgotten about almost immediately — whereas if Justin had done the same, it would be national news. We all have our bad days, but for celebrities it’s ... hmm, do you guys hear sirens?
All right, speeding this up. Point is: no matter how the media might spin it, I firmly believe that Justin Bieber would never do anything truly offensive, America. Mr. Bieber is a squeaky-clean role model for children and young teens everywhere, and as his publicist I’m confident that we’re going to have a long and fruitful business partnership, and also, what is this I’m hearing about Anne Frank, now?
Huh. Back to SimplyHired it is, I guess.
Ryan McAndrews is a senior studying journalism at Ohio University and a columnist for The Post. What should he do to help Justin Bieber’s image? Email Ryan at email@example.com.