Great news guys! It’s finally kind of sort of getting ever-so-slightly warm out!
This is awesome, right? This should be cause for celebration! The fact that I’ll no longer have to don 27 layers to take a five minute walk to Bentley should be sending waves of jubilance throughout my entire being.
Big surprise: it’s not. I’m slightly ashamed to admit exactly why that is, but the first step in changing yourself for the better is admitting you’re doing something wrong, right?
I am petrified of the moment when I go to put on the pair of shorts I’ve had since sophomore year of high school and see those five winter pounds hangin’ over the top. So petrified that whenever I think about it I immediately leap into bed and guilt-eat half a bag of white-chocolate pretzels.
That needs to end. All my fellow ladies know what I’m talkin’ about. And if you don’t, good for you, and I mean that; you’re a stronger woman than I.
I am at my wits’ end with this love-hate relationship I — and every other girl I know — seem to have with food. Food is not only essential to our survival, but it’s meant to be enjoyed, and I feel like oftentimes we try to convince ourselves of the contrary.
My friend and I actually had a conversation the other day about whether or not you’re supposed to eat every time you’re hungry. Like, what? Are we really asking ourselves these nonsensical questions when we have myriad other things to worry about that are way more important than how far our hipbones stick out? Stop.
Do you want to order pizza at two in the morning when you’re drunk and stoned? Do it, for God’s sake. Stop blaming yourself for these indulgences, because you are a human being, and guess what? It. Is. OK.
Can you survive off of water, salads, fruit and lightly sweetened nut clusters? Yeah, sure — if you’re into that, that’s great — but I’m sorry, I kind of like to actually enjoy what I’m eating and not have to force feed myself.
I’m not advocating that you shovel obscene amounts of junk food into your mouth constantly and never see the light of day. All I’m saying is this: stop hating yourself for taking an extra cookie, or continuously lamenting over that one time you ate two dinners and one of them was Chipotle (this may or may not have actually happened).
And if you’re not satisfied with your body, work out! It’s that simple! You don’t need to go on those freaky juice cleanses or eliminate carbs from your life forever. There is a completely healthy balance between eating what you want and staying fit. Find it.
Our society’s perception of food and health is so warped. I’ve mentioned to a few people that I’ve wanted to write about this for a while, and I’ve gotten some less-than-enthusiastic responses.
“You’re telling people that they should just eat whatever they want? That’s how people should be happy? That’s pretty disgusting.”
Yeah, actually, I am, dammit. I know a lot of people aren’t going to agree with me, and that’s fine.
I’m eating Cheetos as I write this. I’m tasting their succulent, chemical-laden flavor, I am acknowledging that there is not a shred of anything natural in them, and I am loving every second of it.
You are not the number on the label sewn into the inside of your pants. You are a human being with a bangin’ body, so eat what you want, because life is too short to not enjoy the simple things.
Cortni Dietz is a sophomore studying journalism at Ohio University and a columnist for The Post. Email her at firstname.lastname@example.org.