If no one minds, I’m going to take a leaf out of the archive of collected ninth-grade student council speeches and begin with a dictionary definition.
Feminism is defined as: “The doctrine advocating social, political and all other rights of women equal to those of men.” That is a fancy way of saying feminism is the belief in gender equality.
Up until probably about when I learned to talk, that’s what I thought the general consensus of the definition was. Then I learned that American society’s definition of it is about as wrong as the concepts of “swagger,” “irony” and “portion control.”
No, feminism in American culture is defined as something like “possibly mentally disturbed women who have left their kitchens in pursuit of potentially communist-esque goals such as ‘raising their voices’ and ‘birth control.’” A picture of Hillary Clinton may or may not be placed next to the text.
Why Hillary, you ask? Hillary Clinton is one of those unfortunate female politicians that a good chunk of the population doesn’t like because “she’s, like, such a total b-word.”
Yes, if women like “poor Hillary” who have the gall to take control, raise their voices and wear pantsuits are disliked, it generally seems to stem from the fact that they just act too much like a man.
My best advice to Hillary for a 2016 presidential bid: Run with the whole “manly” thing. Cut off your hair, cheat on your spouse and rename yourself something strong. A nice, solid American man name would be perfect. Off the top of my head, “Mark Sanford” would be spot-on foolproof.
Your namesake would of course be former South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford, who, after playing quite a rousing game of hide-and-go-seek with an Argentinian mistress, is now a favorite in the running for his old congressional seat after winning the primary this past Tuesday.
Back up and look at the statistics: ’Merica loves a good sex scandal. Men and women alike have been proven to completely forget about anything after a few political cartoons and a bad 60 Minutes episode!
If you think I’m wrong, look at our recent American scandal history, or as I call it, role models!
Tiger Woods: You know, he is really good at golf.
Anthony Weiner: Ha. His name is Weiner! Did he invent the hotdog?
Bill Clinton: That man is one smart bugger!
David Petraeus: How petty could you be for holding this guy’s actions against him, he’s a freakin’ hero!
Charlie Sheen: It’s time for you to learn from your mistakes and pay for wrongdoing, so here’s your own TV show and don’t forget to share that humble pie.
The bottom line is that no one actually cares if men run off with mistresses, keep second families or allow explicit pictures of them to surface on the Internet like a bad Lifetime movie. I mean, let’s get real; we use a farming metaphor to describe it all.
So men of the world, go out and “sow your wild oats” and whatever other seemingly-beautiful farming tasks that you have time for. In the meantime, we women will be trying not to do the equivalent, which I’m pretty sure I’m not allowed to print in the interest of vulgarity and offensiveness.
Jackie Runion is a junior studying journalism at Ohio University and a columnist for The Post. Do you think female politicians are judged more harshly than male politicians? Email Jackie at firstname.lastname@example.org.