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The PHILosopher: Off-campus students need home essentials

I live in the self-proclaimed “Animal House.”

Yes, we based it off the classic movie, and yes the house does seem to resemble the iconic Delta house where John Belushi was breaking bottles left and right. Earlier today, I was reflecting on my beloved house and wanted to share some things that I believe are of the utmost importance for my fellow upperclassman bros to have in their MANsion or whatever they named their house.

No matter how many parties you host (Animal House knows how to throw down, best believe that), the best things to have in your house are the things you use when you’re sober. Anything party-related (read: kegs, solo cups, hot tubs, etc.) will be excluded from this article based upon that leading principle.

Sometimes you come home from class and just want to watch ESPN before hitting up Alden to BS that research paper you’ve been staving off for a month. If you try skating by on that dinky $10-a-month cable service from Time Warner with seven channels, half of which are in Spanish, it’s gonna be a long year. Invest in a higher package and feel like Gods. Nothing says upper-class college kids like DVR and Showtime.

Bud Light, Chipotle and Big Mamas: This concoction of a diet, which can be common among us Bobcats, will perform terrible, terrible things on your digestive tract. That being said, the Animal House would rather not have a roll of sand paper next to the porcelain throne. That delicate area requires an unorthodox amount of care during these unhealthy years, so paying top dollar for a soft brand of TP can possibly be the best investment for your house. I’m definitely referring to brands such as Charmin. If your roommate underestimates this obviously severe problem by buying a generic brand, he must be shunned indefinitely.

Lastly, I strongly recommend a sturdy, multipurpose table. It can even be one of those cheap $25 plastic tables from Wal-Mart because in all honesty, you’ll most likely never eat on it and instead just pile textbooks, clothes and other meaningless stuff until you forget it’s a table at all.

But the table will ultimately do two memorable things during its lifetime: Uphold drinking games, and break when some random kid who’s screaming “Kobe!” and trying to slam dunk a pong ball into a Solo cup with 200 pounds of force. As a personal admission, in my apartment last year, I was that kid screaming “Kobe,” and let me tell you, I don’t regret busting that table. Make sure to have a table that’s solid enough to support flip cup because every Lady Bobcat loves a good game of flip cup. Also ensure it’s more wide than long; it’s not fun throwing a pong ball toward a cup a mile away.

The Animals of the Animal House have found great serendipity in the aforementioned. Equip your bro castle with these items and you’ll be happier than Flounder when he got a Delta bid.

Phil Morehead is a senior studying health services administration and a columnist for The Post. Email him at pm189309@ohiou.edu

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