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Perfecting the penis portrait

In lieu of a question this week we’ve decided to explore the wonderful world of photo-sexting.

Famed Irish writer and poet Oscar Wilde said “Art is the most intense mode of individualism that the world has known.” One of the most personal forms of art to emerge in the 21st century is, of course, the photography of one’s own penis.

There’s a subtle craft to capturing the true essence of your member with your 0.3-megapixel phone camera. It’s all in presentation and delivery.

Any professional photographer will tell you one of the most important things in a quality portrait is lighting. You want some natural light shed on your shaft from a window or possibly in a park or yard. Fluorescent lighting will make the Johnson displeasing to the eye.

Location is also key. You don’t want some Toy Story wallpaper in the background; that’ll ruin some childhoods. Something elegant, like a glass of wine or a lion’s pelt, will make for a sophisticated loin image.

Perhaps the most important thing is the element of surprise. The recipient should not have given any hints at wanting to see your manhood. This way, it’s sure to brighten the day of any friends or family you want to share your true self with.

Ian is a junior studying journalism and a copy editor at The Post.

I let Ian take over about the general technique of taking a picture of man junk because, one, I don’t have the appropriate equipment to be taking these and, two, I know that Ian is most excited about this topic. I will, however, give you tips and tricks for not being a huge perv when it comes to sending photographic images of your man meat.

As with any sexual encounter, you should probably ask permission. Take it from me, the worst thing is sitting at a diner with a friend and trying to enjoy an egg salad sandwich only to virtually be slapped in the face with a schlong. Maybe ask first?

Taking these pictures is not something that can be treated lightly. Although your face is probably not in them, if you don’t know the person well, or if you piss them off enough, pictures like these can spread

like wildfire.

That goes into my next point. Be careful. This is a pretty intimate affair. Personally, I use the rule of thumb, if you wouldn’t whip it out in public, don’t take a selfie of it.

Also be careful of what it could mean. Sending this picture to a significant other or some rando can make the relationship go in a direction you may not be comfortable with. One couple’s playful exchange can be casual sex partners’ eye roll.

In conclusion, stop and think before you selfie your baby-maker.

Kristin is a junior studying

journalism and the culture editor at The Post. Keep getting unfortunate snapshots of one-eyed monsters? Email us at

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