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The Sarcastic Scoop: Third GOP debate to be completely about Ronald Reagan

Republican candidates finally decide to discuss things that actually matter, like Ronald Reagan.

 

SIMI VALLEY, CA — With Ronald Reagan being mentioned 45 times in the last Republican debate and the debate being held in the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library with Ronald Reagan’s plane as the backdrop, CNBC plans the next debate to be completely centered around Ronald Reagan, says Senior Editor-at-Large Eric Chemi.

“Debate topics will include Ronald Reagan’s favorite foods, pastimes and movies,” Chemi told reporters last Thursday, the day after the second debate. “The winner of the debate will definitely be determined by who has the most knowledge about Ronald Reagan and who likes him the most.”

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The candidates seem to be responding positively to the news.

“I feel like all Donald Trump talks about is immigration,” Jeb Bush said in a recent interview. “I think this will really push him to consider the real issues — things that are actually important. I think once he’s put on the spot and people realize that he doesn’t know much about Ronald Reagan, he’ll definitely start losing support.”

When Ted Cruz was informed of this, reporters say he began crying uncontrollably from excitement. “Ronald Reagan?” Cruz asked before his campaign manager grabbed him and started pulling him away from the reporters. “Is he going to be there?”

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The debate will be divided into three parts, Chemi said. The first section of the debate will consist of questions involving Reagan’s favorite things. The second section will be about his acting career, during which candidates will discuss his best movies and television appearances. The third section will consist of Reagan’s best hair styles and outfits throughout the years.

“We may even discuss his policies if we have extra time at the end of the debate,” Chemi revealed, but he said that he doubts it, due to the risk of the section about Ronald Reagan’s acting career going over time.

When asked about Reaganomics and whether they would work to solve today’s issues, Trump said. “Well, we’ve definitely got people looking at that. It’s something that’s important to a lot of people, and we have people looking at those things to see what we can do with them. It’s definitely an important issue, and we’re looking at it. We’ve got people looking at it right now. It’s important. It’s an issue that needs to be looked at, and we have people that are looking at it because it’s an important issue. I have lots of friends who love Reaganomics, and they’re great people.”

When Corey R. Lewandowski, Trump’s campaign manager, was asked whether or not this would be good for the Trump campaign, he responded: “Definitely. I think Trump has done a lot of great criticism of minorities, but honestly, he’s running out of minorities to criticize. This will be a great change of pace to talk about issues that actually matter, like Ronald Reagan.”

The third debate will be taking place Wednesday, Oct. 28 on CNBC and will be about Ronald Reagan.

Marco Omta is a freshman studying music production. How do you think the next debate will go? Email him at mo183714@ohio.edu.

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