The Sarcastic Scoop is back with recommendations for your upcoming holiday. There’s only one way to have the ultimate holiday season, and we’re here to help you reach that.
10. Remember, Christmas is the time for giving, not receiving
Refuse any gift anyone tries to give you. If they force it, just re-gift it.
9. Remember to observe the religious background of Christmas and respect it
Many Santa worshipers hold this as high priority.
8. Avoid hunting reindeer for the season
Additionally, avoid hunting regular deer, because this is the first step in the reindeer evolution.
7. You cannot wear any combination of red and white
You mustn’t ever get yourself confused with the actual Santa.
6. If you put up a Christmas tree, don’t buy a fake one
Make sure to get an organic tree — it’s better for the environment.
5. Every store will be closed on Christmas
Make sure to buy enough food to last you all 12 days.
4. Try not to lose any teeth or lay any eggs
Both actions are out of season.
3. Any short people you see might be elves
Be wary.
2. Be sure to remind everyone that you celebrate only one holiday
This will help you to avoid being drafted into the War on Christmas.
1. You have to be happy on Christmas
Push all those dark, vicious, gripping thoughts down deep in the chasm of your heart and have fun.
I hope you use these tips well. Merry Christmas.
Marco Omta is a sophomore studying music production. Please note that the views and opinions of the columnists do not reflect those of The Post. How do you feel about Christmas? Email Marco at mo183714@ohio.edu.
