To the Ohio Football offices,
My name is Andrew Gillis. You may know me as one of the football writers for The Post, but you probably don’t. I’m the guy who wore Redskins sweatshirts nearly every day. Better? Cool.
I recently saw that you had an opening on LinkedIn for your defensive line coach due to Jesse Williams’ departure. You took that down already, but I’m assuming that’s just because you have listed your “Plan A” candidates, and I’m just behind Nick Saban and Urban Meyer. I can respect that.
But I feel that you might be moving too hastily in your decision to find a defensive line coach. I completely get striving for functionality, but you’re missing a great opportunity that might just pass you by if you don’t react soon.
The perfect candidate to replace Jesse Williams is right under your nose: Me.
Now, I understand that you may be hesitant. I’m just a 20-year-old journalism major, and my defensive strategy is literally “blitz the ever-living hell out of them.” But let’s look at the facts here.
I’m only 20, meaning I’m in it for the long haul. And you’d get me for cheap. As the saying goes, hire a college kid right out of school while he knows everything. Because I literally know everything about defensive strategies in football. Wade Phillips literally weeps at the thought of me nearing the NFL.
As for the journalism major part, that doesn’t exactly correlate to football, but I’ve typed a lot of “X’s” and "O’s” in my stories, so I’m no stranger to hitting the playbook. I also wrote film review stories last year. Jesus Christ, I’m like, the first person to ever care about Tyree Jackson’s footwork. That’s bonus points for knowing who he is, by the way.
And as for my strategy, that’s my finest asset. Look no further than NCAA Football 14. I shut down former MAC deity Jordan Lynch with my patented 4-2-5 in the Mid-American Conference Championship Game in just my first season and Logan Thomas in the bowl game. That was before he sucked! I might’ve blitzed every down, but all I know is that strategy shows guts.
It wouldn’t be hard for me to have a successful unit. Yeah, the run defense ranked sixth, and you were 12th in sacks. But I challenge you to find another candidate that wants a parade more than I do. I’ll work from noon to dinner time each day, sculpting my perfect line, which may or may not be filled with sumo wrestlers.
I’m sure you heard rumors of my potential change in career paths, I mean, why do you think P.J. Fleck left? But I can assure you, it will be a successful transition for me. I already have two Ohio polos in my closet that are slightly too tight, Oakleys and a whistle, so I already look like the perfect coach as is. I just need a visor.
As for payment, that’s the easiest part. I’d like to be paid in Bagel Street and Wings Over for the entirety of my contract. Maybe some cash, too. I’m flexible.
If you can meet these demands, you’ll be hiring the next defensive juggernaut. I’ll anxiously be awaiting your call.
But I’ll probably stay with journalism.
Regards,
Andrew Gillis
