Pain, confusion and cottonmouth.
Those are the typical things someone feels the morning after a crazy night out. There is, however, a drink out there people who hate their well-being drink: Four Loko.
You may recall the legal issues this drink has had in the past. This toxic sludge was created at Ohio State University by a group of people I can only assume are part of some group that has been paid to eliminate humanity through some messed up Darwinism-esque plot, but I digress.
For those of you who are wise enough to stray away from Lokos, they are an alcohol-infused energy drink abomination and should absolutely be banned by the Environmental Protection Agency because I have a really weird hunch that these aren't environmentally friendly.
Anyway, I decided to go with the strawberry lemonade flavor. “This can’t be that awful,” I foolishly said to myself.
I guess now is an important time to note that I have never claimed to be a smart person. In fact, I’m kind of an idiot.
I get to the party, Loko in hand. I crack it open and take one large gulp of what I expect to be a bad decision, but I am young and it’s OK to make mistakes. Except this one. This was a bad, bad mistake that I am still paying for two days later.
The medicine-like taste of the ‘strawberry lemonade’ burned as it went down. I shuddered, but I’m no quitter. Within an hour the rest of the can had made its way down my esophagus. I then sprinted up a hill back to my house. I don’t know why, but I did.
I woke up in so much pain the next morning, I had thought I was having sleep paralysis. I wasn’t. I had put my body through the crucible of Four Loko for the first — and last — time ever, and I may never be the same.
