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Post-Political Satire: Joe Biden is NOT running for president

Former Vice President Joe Biden has confounded and baffled voters again by taking yet another opportunity to remind them he is not, and will never, be running for president. This is the second time throughout the primaries he blamed his poor performance on the fact he isn’t actually running for president. 

Following the Iowa Caucuses, Biden addressed a crowd of seven supporters, much larger than the expected turnout, to ask why they keep telling people to vote for him. 

“Dig it, this has all been a big tickle for me. I mean it’s been really great, but it's starting to razz my berries,” Biden said. “No more malarkey. I’m not running for president.” 

The remarks resonated with the supporters in the crowd over 65 years old but confused the two non-seniors in attendance.

When it was discovered that the former vice president was golfing in South Carolina ahead of the upcoming presidential primary, several members of the press asked the septuagenarian about several of his core policies. Biden, seething with rage, reminded the press that he was not a presidential candidate and that he was actually in the state of Delaware. 

“Listen, tough guy,” Biden said. “I darn well know that I’m in Delaware. I could recognize that patch of grass over there from a mile away. It’s where ol’ willy, and I use to battle it out back in ‘56. The winner would get to eat supper first.”

The confusing remarks did not stop there, however, as the former vice president seemed to campaign for President Barack Obama during a 60 Minutes interview. “He’s just got that swagger, man. Haven’t seen a cool cat like that in ages,” Biden said.

Such comments prompted host John Dickerson to inform Biden that it was him who was running for President. Biden did not take kindly to that, calling Dickerson a “Republican plant” who was acting as an operative for the Romney campaign. 

Following the interview, the 77-year-old continued his streak of gaffes, sending out a tweet that read like it was intended for a Google search.

“TOMATOES,” the former Vice President tweeted. Just a few moments later, the tweet was deleted and replaced with another. “HOW TO GROW BIG TOMATOES,” the subsequent post read. 

With just a few days until the Nevada Caucuses, it remains to be seen if whether or not Biden will finally admit that he is, in fact, running for president. In the meantime, a confused media and Nevada Democratic Party will continue to try and act like it is business as usual.

The Post-Political is a satire column. 

Shelby Campbell is a junior studying strategic communications, Noah Wright is a junior studying strategic communications and Matthew Geiger is a freshman studying economics at Ohio University. 

Please note that the views and opinions of the columnists do not reflect those of The Post. 

Do you understand satire? Let us know by tweeting us at @bloodbuzzohioan, @mattg444 and @NoahCampaign.

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