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The Pest: Each planet as a Gatorade flavor

From Sept. 10 to Oct. 2, six planets were in retrograde and the effects of it were felt by many. While Mercury tends to get the most credit for causing chaos in the universe, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune and Pluto were also retrograde-ing away for the almost month-long period of unrest this fall. 

When life seems to be continuously challenging my patience, I check to see if any of the planets are in retrograde, usually looking at Mercury first. I also jokingly use the phrase “Mercury is in Gatorade,” for the simple reason that it’s funny and plays into the doubts of those who find astrology ridiculous. 

We’re at that point of the semester when our brains feel like they’re actively melting. So, this edition of “The Pest” is meant to be easy on the dome. Without further ado, I give you: each of the planets as a flavor of Gatorade.


Any of the blue flavors. Whether it’s Cool Blue, Glacier Freeze, Blue Cherry or Icy Charge, there’s an element of chaos to how many different blue Gatorades there are. Mercury shares this element of chaos. In the same way, I’d argue the blue Gatorades are top-tier flavors, Mercury- specifically Mercury being in retrograde- always brings chaos but it’s usually for a purpose that we are grateful for later. 


Glacier Cherry. Venus is the planet of love and Glacier Cherry is a well -oved flavor. I’ve never met anyone who has turned it down because it’s so universally liked. It’s a classic flavor with the twist of it being white instead of fire truck red. 


Fruit Punch. It used to be a fan favorite and a sight for sore eyes as a kid. However, between climate change and civil unrest regarding social justice, Earth is on the decline. It could certainly be revived, but with new flavors popping up all the time, it’s no longer at the top of its game. 


Orange. Maybe this is too easy of a choice, but it’s a tried and true flavor. Seeing Mars among the stars at random points throughout the year is just as refreshing as an Orange Gatorade. No, it might not be the most popular choice of Gatorade but it’s a dependable flavor that, if handed to you on a hot day, is not going to be turned down. 


Lemon-Lime. The original flavor of Gatorade, the energy of this flavor being the first and Jupiter being the biggest planet just works. Similar to Orange, Lemon-Lime is not always the flavor people grab for. However, just like Jupiter always catches your eye when looking at a photo of the solar system, you can always find a Lemon-Lime Gatorade at the store.


Berry. It’s simple, it’s elegant, it’s a gorgeous pink color and nothing can better fit the elegant Saturn. Sure, the Strawberry Kiwi and Strawberry Lemonade flavors are okay, but just like Saturn, Berry never misses. 


Green Apple. As much as we’d love to move on from the butt jokes when talking about this planet, we are not that evolved of a society, therefore giving Uranus cursed energy. I have had a Green Apple Gatorade once and it tastes like an amplified green apple Jolly Rancher. This Gatorade flavor, like butt jokes, should only unironically find itself in the hands of middle schoolers. 


Cucumber Lime. Say what you want, but this is one of the most underrated flavors of Gatorade ever. Yes, it’s a little bit odd, but the cucumber and lime are a surprisingly relaxing combination and they hit the spot when you’re craving something light and refreshing. With Neptune’s -373 degree temperature, the planet and this flavor of Gatorade are cool as a cucumber.

Pluto (yes, I’m counting it)

The discontinued clear Gatorade, Ice Punch. Not to bring back the anti-Pluto jokes from when NASA decided it was no longer a planet, but it’s just too fitting. Ice Punch was great while it lasted but it’s arguable that it inspired the newer, ever popular Propel water. Good things came from it being discontinued and good things come from Pluto’s role of rebirth and renewal in astrology.

The Pest is a satirical column and does not reflect the views of The Post.

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