Listen: We all have to go to the bathroom at some point to avoid bladder damage. If you’re like me, you go more frequently than others. It may be taboo to “break the seal” on a night out, but Court Street has some decent bathrooms for when it's time.
Almost every bar Uptown is a dive bar, so it makes sense that the bathrooms aren’t that nice. However, a lock on a stall door is necessary and most don’t have them.
Here’s a review of some women’s bathrooms Uptown:
Broney’s Alumni Grill
The Broney’s bathroom features doors that have locks but no fasters, toilets with the tops zip-tied down and generally empty paper towel dispensers. Don’t fret though, it has several mirrors to check your hair and makeup or to take selfies in. It’s not the cleanest, but it’s not the worst. Ranking: 7/10
Stephen’s
If you love small spaces, this is the place for you. There’s always a group of girls cluttering this bathroom for no reason. The stalls do have doors; however, they don’t lock. Thus, there will come a time where you have to hold the door while performing all things necessary to go to the bathroom. Also, you can see out into the basement bar from the stall because the doors are short. If you love a good challenge, the Stephen’s bathroom is for you. Ranking: 2/10
Red Brick Tavern
This is another small space. It has horrible fluorescent lighting and only two stalls. It is in the basement of the bar so it is secluded from the madness going on upstairs, so it can be a great escape if you’re overstimulated on the dance floor, but not a great place if you have to pee. It’s gross down there. Ranking: 6/10
Pawpurr’s
This one is great for emergencies only. There’s been puke just about everywhere in that bathroom. It's sort of clean and occasionally has all the necessary items. However, the door remains open at all times which is odd. Privacy is minimal in this one. Ranking: 6/10
Lucky’s Sports Tavern
Lucky’s has two stalls that sit up on risers. Luckily, the doors lock here, so you’ll be safe to watch TikToks or text your ex. The toilet paper is located behind the toilet and occasionally some will be there. It also has a full length mirror for selfies. Ranking: 7/10
The C.I.
This is the best bathroom Uptown. There’s multiple stalls, the soap is full and the hand dryer actually works. It is also covered in cool graffiti and has lots of charm to it. I would recommend this bathroom to anyone. Ranking: 10/10
The Crystal
This is one of the worst spaces uptown. It’s not really clean and people like to use it as a hookup spot. I would not recommend using this bathroom if you respect yourself. Ranking: 5/10
The Overhang
The bathroom here is just OK. It’s not terribly dirty and it has a nice full-length mirror. It may have some slight damage and possibly a missing lock, but it is spacious. I would leave another bar to use the bathroom here. Ranking: 6/10
The Pest is a satirical column and does not reflect the views of The Post.
