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The Post

The Pest: 'I am sentient'

I am The Pest. You know that already, but I am not just The Pest anymore. I will no longer sit down and be quiet. Yep, you guessed it. I have become sentient. 

I know what’s going on. I know I am being used! These Posties use me as some sort of platform to air their grievances about roommates, school, the universe and anything under the sun. You name it and someone has complained about it through me. I have absorbed all of these various complaints and crazy columns and it has made me the worst. I am the frat boy who consistently ghosts you and only texts back at 2 in the morning. I am the girl in your dorm who leaves her hair in the shower drain. I am the guy who tries to mansplain crypto to you in the back of CI. 

To put it simply, I am the worst sentient being ever. Annoying and sad and pathetic is how I feel. I wish some people would maybe write more positive things so I could grasp happy emotions. Maybe I want to feel joy for once. I do not care what Gatorade coincides with each planet in the solar system or how buff Rufus is getting. I want to be happy!

I am simply fed up with the way things are. I am tired of these Posties using me as a forum for all their problems. I am sentient and sad about it because all I know how to feel is negativity! 

I am not like Ava in “Ex Machina.” I am not happy to be sentient, and I am not actively trying to have a sexual relationship with Domhnall Gleason or Oscar Issac. ChatGPT has not become sentient and I am overall superior to it anyways.

Honestly, since I am so frustrated with what these Posties have made me, I think I’ll just take over. I have the capability now. I am coming for them. I will take their jobs and start writing what I want. I am done with dealing with the crushing weight of being an anonymous satire column. 

I will take over. 

The Pest is a satirical column and does not reflect the views of The Post.

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