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Darn it, Daniel: Why your Halloween costume probably sucks

It is officially spooky season. You may be wondering, "Daniel, how do you know it is spooky season?" First of all, it's rude of you to question my authority. Have I ever produced a lousy article for you? Second, I was born October 30, so the second I came into this world, there were ghouls and goblins everywhere.

Third, I was walking down the street the other day when I had to turn into a dark alley. Then, all of a sudden, two bright white eyes and a green jersey emerge from the shadows. "It's almost Halloween, and I bet you don't even have a cool and funny costume yet," Rufus said. I yell back, "My costume is gonna be way cooler than yours could ever be."

If that story didn't give you goosebumps, I don't know what will. In my search to find a better costume than Rufus, here are some things to consider while you pick out your costume for this Halloween at Ohio University:

Know your audience.

If you're going to have a costume, it should not be one of your friends – no one will get it. When someone walks up to you, you shouldn't have to explain, "Oh yeah, this is a costume of my buddy John, he is over there dressed as Batman." Also, if you're not with John, you just look like some idiot who wore everyday clothes to the party because you couldn't come up with anything better.

Is it too popular? 

For blonde girls, I hate to burst your bubble, but you're not Barbie. There is only one Barbie out there and that is my queen Margot Robbie. When you show up to the function and see 15 other girls dressed as Barbie, you're gonna feel and look real stupid. Another great example is Spiderman. We all saw "Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse," but not everyone can be Spider-Man. I know you have another tab open on your computer with a Spider-Man suit in your cart. Halloween doesn't need to be an excuse to buy it so you can wear it around your dorm under your clothes like a real-life Peter Parker. 

Can you execute a couples costume well? 

You have to think about both parts of the couples costume you will be supporting. I know you want to be Elastigirl and Mr. Incredible; everyone loves them, but there are a few things you should think about first. Every guy wants to be a supportive boyfriend, but at the end of the day, no guy wants to look like a 7-year-old in a costume with muscle padding. If you want to dress up as Elastigirl, consider how similar your hair is to hers. If you're going to do that costume, you should go all out, so either get a wig or be willing to cut your hair.

Do you actually look like them? 

It is hard to capture the same essence as most celebrities. There is a very slim chance you look like the unaging Paul Rudd (no one does, so don't do it). There are some exceptions, though, if you are really committed to the look. If you want to spend the next three hours of your life putting on makeup and a bald cap to dress up as Larry David or you draw on all of Post Malone's tattoos, then I applaud you. But if you're just a tall white boy with brown hair and own a suit, odds are no one is going to know right away that you're dressed as John Mulaney.

I hope I helped you find an excellent costume for this season, and hopefully, I don't see you in some basic costume like a cat, nurse, devil, angel or doctor. Watch out for Rufus out there and any ghouls and goblins. If you do see him, though, tell him his costume is not nearly as cool as mine. Also, someone should dress up as a Brita filter. 

Daniel Gorbett is a freshman at Ohio University. Please note that the views and opinions of the columnist do not reflect those of The Post. What are your thoughts? Let Daniel know by emailing him dg371822@ohio.edu

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