As I drove to Walmart last weekend, something magical happened. I taught a lesson to someone at the stop sign on Stewart Street. I looked both ways, turned left and nearly merged into a Snag delivery driver who had apparently decided traffic laws were just polite suggestions. I hit the horn like any God-fearing motorist would. The Snag driver panicked, wobbled and ate concrete.
Did I stop? No. Do I feel bad? Also no.
Because frankly, if you're going to scoot around like traffic laws are optional and visibility is a suggestion, you're going to have some bad days on the job.
For those unfamiliar, Snag drivers are workers on electric scooters who deliver snacks and drinks around campus in 10 minutes or less. The company markets them as fast and convenient, which is ideal for busy or tired students. Most of the time, I just see a blur of backpack and hoodie navigating the streets a little too casually.
The problem is, scooters aren’t toys. Under Ohio law, they’re vehicles. According to the Ohio Revised Code, a “vehicle” includes “every device” used to transport people or property on a public road. Including bicycles and electric bikes, and by extension, electric scooters. In other words, if you’re riding on the road, you’re expected to follow the rules of the road.
More importantly, the law makes clear that operators of these devices can be held accountable the same way motorists are. The Revised Code also states anyone operating a bicycle or electric bicycle “may be issued a ticket, citation or summons… in the same manner as the operator of a motor vehicle.” That means running a stop sign or blowing through a crosswalk isn’t just unsafe, it’s illegal.
And it’s not just about stop signs. Ohio law requires riders to use a white front light and a red rear light or reflector when riding after dark. That’s not a suggestion; it’s a safety requirement. So when I see a Snag driver at night in dark clothes, without lights or reflective gear, I don’t see convenience. I see a moving violation waiting to happen.
I’ve also never seen a Snag driver in a helmet. I’ve seen Crocs, I’ve seen pajama pants, I’ve seen someone blasting Travis Scott from a backpack speaker, but I’ve never seen helmets. Which means that every time one of them zips across a crosswalk without looking, they’re betting their skull against a bumper.
And spoiler: the bumper wins.
Meanwhile, Snag’s job listing focuses on “time management skills” and being “the face of the company.” They don’t mention traffic laws or safety gear. But I’m pretty sure the actual face of Snag is a panicked sophomore weaving through Court Street traffic like a caffeinated squirrel.
I’m not anti-scooter. I’m anti-getting-T-boned-on-the-way-to-deliver-a-bag-of-Takis.
Snag drivers must follow traffic laws. They need lights, they need helmets and they need basic training in how not to die. Because until that happens, if you scoot into the road like it’s your personal runway, don’t be shocked when reality — or a Nissan Pathfinder — hits back.
The Pest is a satirical column and does not reflect the views of The Post.
