After marking my coworker’s neck with a hickey the size of a half dollar, I was nicknamed “The Leech” for the duration of my summer job in high school. This unflattering moniker led me to be more careful with the placement of my love bites, but nothing could have stopped me from giving them entirely.
The act of sucking and biting on my partner’s skin until it glows red and purple is simply too hot to pass up, and is just one example of the playful roughness that makes sex so much fun.
The vagueness of the term “rough sex” is intentional, designed to toe the line between intercourse that is kinkier than vanilla play, but not quite entering BDSM territory. Elements of rough sex include being tied up, pinned down, slapped, bitten, scratched, thrown around and countless other things that might cause a bit of pain and create more passion than a traditional approach to sex.
Don’t get me wrong, vanilla sex certainly has its place in my repertoire. Sometimes, a little sweet and slow action is exactly what I’m looking for. However, most of the time I want something a little hotter, sweatier, dirtier and, frankly, more painful.
The introduction of pain in the bedroom is another fine line to walk, and it is entirely reliant on communication. Some people find lasting bruises to be incredibly attractive, while others are just looking for some light scratches by the end of the night. It’s entirely up to you and your partner how intense you want to get, and maintaining an open dialogue allows you both to be comfortable as you explore the real motive behind rough sex: a sense of urgency and desire.
Things like pulling my partner's hair, biting their lip in the middle of a kiss or wrapping my hand tightly around their throat create a sense of necessity no other intimate feeling compares to. How could I not feel needed when my partner is holding onto me so tight I can feel fingernail-shaped indents forming on my back, and how could that desire not turn me on?
Not only does tapping into carnality make sex hotter and more intense, but it also makes it infinitely more interesting. Instead of sticking to the same neutral routine, tossing in a spank or a little bit of bondage adds variety and can mitigate some of the monotony associated with vanilla sex.
Approximately 80% of people surveyed have tried and enjoyed rough sex, partially because of personal preference, but also due to the psychology linking pain and pleasure. During sex, either vanilla or sadomasochistic, the brain releases all kinds of chemicals linked to pleasure, such as dopamine and oxytocin. However, during moments of pain, the brain releases endorphins, “proteins which act to block pain and work in a similar way to opiates such as morphine to induce feelings of euphoria.”
Not only does the feeling of teeth sinking into my neck make me feel desired by my partner on an emotional level, but my brain is also responding and scientifically making me feel euphoric, which is exactly how I want to feel in those intimate settings.
As in all sexual situations, consent is the most important factor, with aftercare coming in at a close second. Never choke your partner out or leave them a surprise mark anywhere on their body without talking about it first and always make sure to check in after the fact and see how you can take care of each other.
Every mark I left as “The Leech” was mutually consented to and followed up with affection and aftercare. Although I hope to never hear that nickname again, I can definitively say that I would rather make it my legal name than never leave another hickey.
BedPost is a sex and relationship column that does not reflect the views of The Post.
