Trojan seems to be one of the more popular brands of condoms, having received the Rufus seal of approval, as they were included in the on-campus student welcome packages; take that as you will.
When I got said package, I was confused at first because I thought Ohio University wanted more legacy students, but after, I thought about the same thing every college student does when they hold a condom: “Errm, actually, this name makes no sense when you consider the implications of the myth of Troy.”
To give some context, let’s see if this story inspires you sexually. Troy was a city located in what is now modern-day Turkey. What most of the world knows Troy for is its role in one of the first pieces of literature ever, the “Iliad” and the “Odyssey,” which chronicle the Trojan War.
If you spark-noted this one in high school English class, the Trojan War is where the Greeks went to war against the Trojans for the “abduction” of Helen of Troy, wife of Spartan king Menelaus, and a girl apparently so fine, that all of the nobles of Greece had to swear to go to war if anyone interfered with her marriage because that was the only way of preventing all the men from going to war to get with the original “it girl.”
The story of the war was told in epic poetry, which is a narrative form of poetry, not just what you say when trying to hit on someone at Donkey Coffee’s open mic nights. Only fragments of the story, including the “Iliad” and the “Odyssey,” survive today. The original versions of the Sack of Troy myth have been lost to time, but Roman author Virgil’s glorified fanfic, the “Aeneid,” fills in the blanks and recounts the story that has stayed with us to this day.
Enter stage left, the Trojan horse, the thing you probably most associate with Trojans besides tearing open a package while your partner awkwardly waits naked on the bed. The Greeks built a big-ole horse and all hid inside it. One dude presents the horse to the Trojans, saying that he got left behind by the retreating Greeks, who made this horse a trophy of Troy for “winning the war.” Troy takes it, brings it into the city and has a massive party.
While all the Trojans are either asleep or blacked out, the Greek soldiers in the horse sneak out and destroy the city, committing unspeakable amounts of violence. You thought your Sunday Scaries were bad, imagine your city burning down. Of course, this wins the war for the Greeks; classic deception.
How does this relate to sex? Hold your horses for a second and let me rephrase that story. The Trojans saw this horse, which seemed very safe, and they let it penetrate their city walls. One detail I forgot to mention, later on in history, the Greeks were renowned for their naval combat, and they had to travel to Troy by boat. So once the Trojan horse was inside and everyone was having fun, a bunch of sea men burst out. Also, if it can’t get worse, one of the only Trojans who survives, Aeneas, is said to be responsible for the birth of Rome. Does that sound like a reassuring pillar of safe sex? No.
Now I get it, by complaining about the mythological inaccuracy of Trojan condoms, you could correctly assume I don’t use them for their intended purpose often. That being said, just remember, the next time you’ve got someone in your bed that’s hung like a horse, make sure that it really is a gift from the gods before letting it into your city walls.
BedPost is a sex and relationship column that does not reflect the views of The Post.
