Rachel Hartwick

The fifth episode of The Bachelorette features a first-ever bromance breakup, the arrival of much-anticipated, villainous Nick Viall and two more terrible group dates.

We left last week’s episode with an awkward bromance between Clint and JJ, cheers-ing to the idea that villains have  to “vill.” Kaitlyn was NOT happy with what the guys were telling her about Clint’s sketchy behavior (especially after their SUPER romantic underwater photography date), so at the beginning of the fifth episode, she made the decision to send him home — before the rose ceremony. OK, are we ever going to have a rose ceremony?

The breakup between Clint and Kaitlyn was inevitable and expected, but the breakup between JJ and Clint was a bit messier. After JJ calls out Clint in front of everyone and tells him he should apologize to all the guys (even though JJ himself is CLEARLY a part of this villainous activity), Clint privately cussed JJ out. They’re so close — literally and figuratively — that I’m not really sure if one of them was going throw a punch or plant a kiss.

After Clint goes home, (toodle-oo!) JJ is shown in an interview, sobbing — to the point where he is bent over the bushes as if he’s about to throw up. He whispers “suck it up” to no one in particular and slaps himself in the face a few times.

Joseph, the guy who has never been in love and gives a lot of unsexy farm metaphors, noted that there’s “One bad egg gone, still got one left,” as the cameras zoomed in on a shot of JJ. Classic.

Little do you know, Joseph, another bad egg is coming.

Kaitlyn decided to not to have a rose ceremony this week, again. Apparently they’re all such “great guys” that they all get to pack their bags and go to New York City. Basically, she keeps forgoing the rose ceremony and sending guys home on her own volition, which is getting annoying.

JJ should be happiest about the rose ceremony cancellation considering he probably would have been on the chopping block, but he didn’t cheer along. Instead, he wiped away a tear, probably because he’s still hung up on Clint. 

via 31.media.tumblr.com

A Rap-tastic Group Date

The clue for the group date is “Let’s keep our love fresh,” which apparently means they’re meeting a hip-hop artist named Doug E. Fresh. Everyone pretends to know who he is.

via Buzzfeed.com

They all have to pick a partner, write a rap dissing their partner, and perform it on a stage in New York City in front of hundreds of thousands of people. What is it with Kaitlyn and these extremely competitive, never-cute-or-romantic group dates? I miss the awkwardly romantic shopping and beach dates where every guy has to vie for the Bachelorette’s attention. It’s a good thing Tony the Healer left, because he would have walked out on this date too.

Just a couple weeks ago Kaitlyn was devastated about Jared’s injury in her boxing group date and claimed she “didn’t want anyone to get hurt.” This week Kaitlyn actually said, “Rap battles are full of disses. I cannot wait to see what happens!”

It’s important to note that JJ goes on camera saying he’s never listened to rap in his life and that he, “Just listens to Broadway showtunes. Religiously.” Red flag number… I’ve lost count. To add to this, in his rap battle, he mentions something about “New York City hoes” and gets booed off the stage because, well, the whole audience is filled with women, in New York City.

Not Nick Again…

Backstage, Kaitlyn meets up with Ashley I, her friend and former co-contestant on the last season of The Bachelor. The infamous Nick Viall is there too, waiting to talk to Kaitlyn. (Quick reminder: Nick Viall is the runner-up from Andi Dorfman’s season. He’s known for being the villain and publicly calling out Andi on their fantasy suite escapades on live TV.) Apparently, Nick and Kaitlyn have texted “a handful” of times in the past and had a “connection” but had never actually met until now.

Nick is 34-years-old but everything about him screams barely 21 from the way he sits to the way he looks at her. It’s not that he’s unattractive; it’s that everything about him comes off as terribly immature. He’s the type of guy who looks like he’s mastered the art of charming a woman just to break her heart and keep her on her toes.  

Kaitlyn tells the guys she’s considering bringing him into the competition, and of course they’re pissed — not only because she’s bringing a new guy into the house who she’s “talked to” in the past, but also because it’s NICK. He was conniving and disrespectful to Andi and just about every guy in the house on Andi’s season wanted to punch him for it. That’s a recipe for disaster for this season.

Naturally, after this clearly pessimistic response from the guys, Kaitlyn meets Nick on a pier, wraps her arms around the guy she’s actually known for five minutes, and they make out.

via quickmeme.com

The One-On-One Date

Kaitlyn decides to table her Nick decision until the next day, when she has her one-on-one date with Jared, the pointy-faced guy that we all sort of like even though we don’t want to because he voted for Britt.

Before her date, she gets her hair done BY CRAZY ONION ASHLEY FROM LAST SEASON and actually asks her for advice on the Nick situation. Onion Ashley is quick to tell Kaitlyn that her feelings aren’t necessarily love — “it’s lust.” Surprisingly insightful, Onion Ashley.

via The Odyssey Online

Right before her date with Jared, Kaitlyn meets with Nick to tell him he’s in. And then they make out.

Poor Jared. Kaitlyn has too much Nick on her mind to focus on her date. It’s quite sad because this was the first actually cute date Kaitlyn had planned. They dressed up in ballroom attire and ate dinner in the Metropolitan Museum of Art, which they had all to themselves, and then took a helicopter ride.

Though, Jared isn’t a bad sport, and he seems to successfully get her mind off Nick for a little while, which makes us like him even more. 10 points for Jared.

via 33.media.tumblr.com

Group Date: An Aladdin “Performance”

For the next group date, everyone has to “audition” for a part with Kaitlyn in an actual performance of the Broadway musical Aladdin. It’s hysterical how badly these guys are at singing and dancing, and the fact that they literally pop out of the stage makes it even better.

Chris Cupcake ends up winning, and Joshua, who admitted to being terrible at singing and dancing, is seriously annoyed that he didn’t win. He says something about how he wishes he could take his anger out by punching the hay bails he has at home. Umm.

But as it turns out, Kaitlyn and Chris hardly do ANYTHING when they get their big moment on stage. They got all dolled up, and though Kaitlyn looks fabulous and Chris looks like he was always meant to be in Aladdin, all they do is hand someone a bouquet of flowers. It’s pretty anticlimactic because the two spent WAY too much time leading up to it, talking about how they “can’t wait to remember this moment for the rest of their lives.” Um, aren’t you going to remember the fact that you were the star of a national TV show the rest of your life?

There’s no wrap-up rose ceremony, which is becoming a trend this season, and the show ends with Nick entering the hotel room where he will live with the guys for the rest of his time on the show. Yeah, we’ll see how that works out.

The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.

@rachel_hartwick

rh375113@ohio.edu

Comments powered by Disqus