Money: that's what I want. Ain't it the truth, Barrett Strong.
Ain't it the truth.
It occurred recently that I have what some would call a money problem
both in the sense that I spend it almost as fast as I earn it and that I don't really make all that much of it. It is an equation for disaster. Now before you go throwing my own Motown quotes back at me, the best things in life are decidedly not free, sir or madam. The complete Watchmen graphic novel? Money. And probably a sacrifice to Alan Moore and his epic beard. The box set of the original Star Wars trilogy? Money and a sacrifice to Cthulhu and the other Elder Gods who live in George Lucas's ever-expanding chin. The list goes on ad nauseam.
It's terrible. This week especially, what with Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull coming out and my needing to go see it at least twice ... my bank account might never recover. Thanks a lot, Steve and George. So in order to feed my habits of going to see movies and getting fast food and buying comic books and buying DVDs, I've come across the only viable conclusion:
Become a damn, dirty commie.
That's right, dear readers. I've decided to forgo my previous, staunchly held libertarian beliefs ' you stay off my property, I'll stay off yours ' to out-and-out communism ' mi casa es su casa, if you will. How else will I be able to afford the box sets of the complete series of both Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel? It's unreasonable, Amazon.com. $300? I'm a college kid here, not Richie friggin' Rich.
And gas prices! I know it's the most tired fodder for comedy and relatable look how poor I am stories ever, but still. At four dollars a gallon, I'd better be able to drive from here to Columbus and back on a gallon. Which leaves me torn between getting a hybrid car that gets better mileage but looks like a tuna can or getting a sweet muscle car and pickin' up sexy women in it. Then all of a sudden, communism busts in with its sweet red cape with the yellow hammer 'n sickle on it and tells me everything's going to be okay because I can take my neighbor's Jag out whenever I want.
Thanks, communism! Thumbs up!
I'm not sure how communists feel about collegiate education, but I get the vibe that since everything is supposed to be freely shared, I'd be able to go to college for ' wait for it ' free. Where is your extensive five-year plan acronym now, Ted Strickland?! Suddenly all my worries about how I'm going to balance my budget of tuition, housing, meal plans, laundry and my material excesses have evaporated like so much condensation on the water bottle of worry.
The overarching question here is probably something to the effect of But Nick if a communist state is initiated in the U.S. won't it most likely become a dictatorial society like that of Stalin?
Good question, Reader. The first issue here would be you overlooking the fact that I am one of the laziest people I know. How can a lazy person initiate a major change in government in our society? I didn't even vote in the Student Senate elections, though I was on my computer almost all day.
So my answer would be, No
mostly because there will not be a communist state initiated in the U.S. Remember the last time our government tried to get overthrown from within? The good old War of Northern Aggression?
But I can continue to dream of the day when I will be able to walk down Court Street and take whatever I want in exchange for writing a favorable review of the shop in my column.
It's going to be awesome.
Nick Philpott is a freshman creative writing major and a copy editor for The Post. If you were offended by the mocking reference to the War of Northern Aggression, send him an e-mail at np714907@ohiou.edu, y'all.
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