Lying is bad. Now, don’t rush to the editor-in-chief’s email inbox to congratulate me on such a bold take, but generally, that’s the truth. But sometimes, when being asked about your sex life by unwanted parties, lying can be an effective way to get out of it. Luckily, unless you’re a celebrity or some public figure, most people don’t actually care about your sex life. So, if you encounter pushy people, lying can be an easy and fun way out.
To say it plainly, the best way to avoid talking about sex is just to refuse to do so. You never actually have to tell anyone anything, true or not. This column is about the exceptions to that rule. No matter how much of an open book you are, sex can be hard to talk about.
I say this as an oversharer. I’m willing to give up most information about myself if it means I’ll make a personal connection that my anxiety normally prevents me from making. However, I have limits, and a conversation about sex is one of them. I’ve never spoken to someone and thought, “This is great, but it’d be better if I told them the size of my penis.” It’s always made me feel gross. Some of that is my own relationship with sex, but a lot of it’s just me thinking it’s not necessary.
Another reason I typically choose to lie about my sex life is that it’s private and I have discretion with my partner. Just because you’re an open book doesn’t mean your partner is.
Let’s be honest, you’ve never sat down for a debrief at El Tenampa on Court Street to just talk about how you had a respectful night of missionary and then went right to bed.
Your partner may not want your whole friend group to know such saucy details. Although no one should be ashamed of what they choose to do in the bedroom with another consenting adult, it’s not just your dirty laundry you’re airing out.
To lie most effectively, you have to gradually ramp up the absurdity of your comments. Don’t immediately bust out a complex story about your love of Rufus x Brutus roleplay. Unless your friends are preoccupied by the pressing question of who is on top, they’ll know you’re making a joke. If you want that, then fine, but first start with something believable.
My go-to is pegging. Truthfully, I’m not into that, but people often assume I am. What that says about me aside, I use that assumption to lean in. It’s just weird enough to satiate someone’s nosy curiosity, but not so ridiculous that people start asking follow-up questions.
I also like to sprinkle a little truth in there. This not only makes the lie easier to swallow (pun intended) for you, but it also makes it more believable for whoever is asking. I like to be pegged, called a good boy and be blindfolded. All three of those things are titillating but believable. Some, or all of it, may be true; you’ll never really know.
To be blunt, lying about sex can be funny. Watching the gears turn as your friends ask themselves what is true and what isn’t. As someone who loves storytelling and world-building, it allows me to build up this “lore” in a crass way. It’s one of the few times you can harmlessly lie, and as someone who doesn’t do that often, I like to take advantage.
Also, who’s going to know? I promise your Instagram detective bestie won’t install security cameras to check if you’re actually into wax play. Sex is a private act, and unless you’re into being watched, no one has any way to actually verify what you’re saying besides your partner.
Even in serious conversations about sex, there are plenty of ways to dance around uncomfortable details while telling just enough.
One of the best-written BedPosts so far is titled “Men need to learn how to have sex.” It does a great job of not giving away details about actual encounters with men. The writer didn’t need to get into too many details for the reader to understand that there’s an upset toward so many men who think “foreplay” is when the coach decides to run or pass the football.
Generally, it’s healthy to talk about sex. With how taboo society has made this natural part of life, we need to break down those barriers. This is important mostly so that we can have the big conversations, like about how sex can be a visceral reflection of our patriarchal society and other things that you don’t need to hear from a straight white guy.
For less serious situations, however, it’s OK to keep those barriers up. So if you choose and as long as it’s harmless, lying can be the most fun you can have … without taking your clothes off. Thank you, “Panic! At The Disco.”
BedPost is a sex and relationship column that does not reflect the views of The Post. Want to share your thoughts? Email the Editor in Chief at editor@thepostathens.com
