Finally, it's time for the Democratic primary elections to begin. We have all been waiting with baited breath for the heart-stopping drama that can only come with a series of votes slowly drawn out for over a month. Of course, there is only one place with enough stature to be chosen (by itself incidentally) as the venue for the first presidential caucus, America's greatest state: Iowa. So on Monday, thousands of Iowans will show up at the polls to vote, hopefully for Howard Dean because of the great likelihood of seeing him blowing his top every time he speaks in public. Really - he's insane. However, despite the entertainment value of Screamin' Howard Dean and Rev. Al Sharpton, I am offering another presidential option, devoid of Democrats, Republicans and all validity (kind of like the Greens).
Today, I announce my run for the White House. (Cue the campaign theme song, God Save the Queen and send my kids running up on the stage to hug me. Except the middle one - she's ugly as sin, and ugly don't win elections. That's right - Chelsea was an anomaly).
Recent polls in my own house have shown name recognition of more than 65 percent, with only one roommate completely unaware of my existence. This strong showing should help sway some voters who are still on the fence.
Some of you might be asking what this new candidate stands for. Others want more information about the new Low Carb burger from Hardee's. Is it just a hamburger minus the bun, or is it even stupider than that, with lettuce on the top and bottom?
My first act as president will be a fundamental switch from democracy to monarchy. This will be an effort to relive the Kennedy era, but without the handsome military hero, Marilyn and mafia assistance. Also, my 13-year-old brother will be unable to take over as attorney general as he is already occupied as the secretary of radical.
To ease the transition to monarchy, cabinet positions will remain mostly unchanged. Secretary of State will be longtime ambassador to Long Beach, Snoop Doggy Dogg. This is a move that should have happened a long time ago, as we can all be assured Snoop would have won the war on terror quickly and decisively. Where's tha wizzles of mizzle dizzizzle my shizzle? The threat of a pimp smack works wonders to sway foreign diplomats, except in
Germany, where it is an accepted formal greeting.
As the new king, I would have complete autocratic control, including naming rights. Although United States of America has served us well, it is soooo 1776. So out with the old and in with Legoland. Think about it: My fellow Legolanders ... blah
blah blah ... may God bless you and may God bless Legoland.
In addition to these primary changes, my administration's many important social reforms will make Legoland a better place for everyone.
Frito Lay will bring back Flamin' Hot Doritos, as they are the most delicious chip ever. At the same time, they will stop production of Guacamole Doritos, which taste like salt.
The WNBA will be disbanded, and all proof of its existence will be removed from the history books by crossing out references with a magic marker.
Reforms such as this are sure to make Legoland citizens happier and more friendly - except Barbra Streisand, who will be banished to Iowa to live on a farm with Paris Hilton.
So if you are tired of Washington insiders and special interest money, vote for someone who is not a special-interest-money-taking-Washington-insider. But if you can do without Streisand and you want your country to be renamed Legoland, cast your vote for me.
Hey - Sterns couldn't be worse than Kucinich. Send him an e-mail at jsterns13@yahoo.com.
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Josh Sterns
