Cleanliness is next to manliness.
Men don’t shower because they fear dirt. Showering is a rite of passage that bridges focused, sweaty work and peaceful relaxation.
Cleaning is serious business. It’s hard. You have to remember to wash behind your ears. That’s easy to forget. Men never forget. Have you ever seen a man with dirt behind his ears? No. Then again, who spends time checking out the backs of people’s ears?
Men don’t go walkin’ around all stanky. That’s ridiculous. What you smell is called musk.
Musk is the odor that men emit after a hard day of protecting their family from giant muskrats or wearing a suit in a building without air conditioning. B.O. is the smell that a person emits after choosing not to wear deodorant or wash their pits.
Wash your pits.
Hygiene is a form of self-respect. Men respect themselves and respect the nostrils of those nearby.
Bert and Ernie are men. So what, they are two single men living together and have the exact same haircut? So what if they sleep in the same room? So what if Ernie films himself bathing in a T.V. show for children?
Bathing is important, and sometimes the only way to teach children how to bathe is by showing them a video of a middle-aged, gay puppet playing with a rubber duck while taking a bubble bath.
That’s right, bubbles. Sometimes a man just wants to relax after a hard Zumba session with some candles, smooth jazz and a bubble bath. Deal with it.
While I’m on the topic, men don’t wear shower caps. Ever. Period.
While the toughest of men scrub their skin with junks of concrete or tree bark, men who still have skin left use washcloths, those poofy, scrubby balls or their hands (which are tougher than pumice — take that Bath and Body Works).
Loofahs are iffy. Maybe if you drink a bottle of hot sauce beforehand, you can make up the Man-points. Yes, Man-points exist.
A man does not leave the shower smelling like strawberries or lavender, that’s unnatural. Men don’t try to cover up who they are with the instantly recognizable and powerful aromas of “Summer Rain” or “Twilight Butterfly.” Men respect subtlety, so they select classy yet subdued scents such as “Construction Worker” or “Cheeseburger.”
Men: they don’t drop soap.
Alex Bill is a sophomore studying psychology. Ask him about man stuff at ab279708@ohiou.edu
