It used to be that video games had no redeeming social value, like everything else teenagers and college students did in their spare time. It rotted our brains, made our muscles atrophy and, occasionally, caused us to shoot at each other.
At least, that was the establishment line. And the only responses video gamers had were the unconvincing I play lots of video games
and I've never hurt anyone argument, and the even less convincing I play lots of video games and I've never hurt anyone except that one guy
but man
he totally had it coming argument.
And their cries went ignored, because those arguments rely on anecdotal evidence, which is widely rejected on account of its subjective nature, unless you happen to be a guest of the U.S. military at Guantanamo Bay.
But then someone decided to use science to prove that video games are good for you. That's the problem with science these days: You can use it to prove anything (except, of course, intelligent design).
For instance, in junior high I watched a science video that attempted to attribute global warming to cow farts. I don't know how they ever managed to conduct that study, because it ostensibly entails (1) spending a lot of time around gassy cows, which (2) would cause most anybody to start laughing, which (3) would cause them to breathe a lot heavier, which (4) would cause them to die, on account of all the toxic cow farts in the air around them.
So then, what do cow farts have to do with video games?
Absolutely nothing. I just wanted an excuse to write cow farts in this column as many times as possible. Cow farts, cow farts, cow farts.
Anyhow, so some scientists are arguing that playing video games has certain benefits. For one thing, they say that, with the increasing amount of online play, gamers meet and talk with other people via the Internet, thus increasing their socialization skills. This is a fairly persuasive argument, if you happen to be someone whose brain has melted from inhaling cow farts. If not, you will realize it's total crap; most of the socialization going on between video game players involves them insinuating that they spent the previous night socializing with their opponents' girlfriends/mothers/household pets, if you catch my drift.
Also, I have been playing video games for years, and I am still terrified of talking to girls, even after several beers.
The scientists also say that video games require players to solve problems and make difficult, on-the-spot decisions, and thus they increase analytical abilities. Most video gamers will know, however, that the hardest decision you have to make in many games is: Which bad guy do I shoot first? (The one on the left.) Also, personally, I do not play video games to enhance my analytical abilities. I'm a journalist for God's sake; what good would those do me?
These scientists are taking the wrong approach. No one will ever convince the square community that video games are beneficial, because they are the ones paying $50 a pop so their 13-year-olds can sit around in the basement for hours on end without doing their homework or even bothering to come upstairs for meals.
What will work is to appeal to security concerns. Right now, in front of television and computer screens all across the nation rests a monstrous asset to our military strength. These video game nerds sit around training, day-in and day-out, to make sure that if this great country is ever threatened by a zombie infestation or a pillaging band of Orcs, they will be ready to rise up and lead us to victory, just as soon as they get to a convenient save point in whichever game they happen to be playing at the time (Cow Farts of Destruction VII: Revenge of the Flatulator).
Of course, most of these basement dwellers are less than observant when it comes to world affairs, so they would probably be totally unaware of any such threat until it came knocking at their cellar doors, at which point they would yell out, No
Mom
I'm not hungry right now and go right back to playing. Somehow, we'd have to persuade them to leave the basement.
I recommend cow farts.
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Noah Blundo
