Customarily, at this time in the quarter many students begin to feel like the gimp water-buffalo that is holding up the rest of the herd by falling behind in their studies - textbooks unread, papers yet to be started, etc.
Unlike the lion-plagued water-buffalo, however, the student is a breed of animal that welcomes the shortcomings of their colleagues. They and their fellow deviants help to wear down the schedule to a mere parody of its former, more ambitious self. To those who share class rosters with me this quarter, I have one thing to say: Somebody owes me a candy treat for setting the standard in slack, lowering the curve in dunce and raising the limbo bar of doing your damn work.
At this point in the quarter, there is a lot of communal commiserating about why exactly each of us have fallen dreadfully behind in our studies, that is, those of us who aren't nerds. I'm looking at you, engineers. Many of my cohorts will declare that expecting two-hours of study outside of class for every one hour inside of class is preposterous, especially those who must work late night jobs. If one were to take the regular 16-hour schedule, they would be expected to spend 32-hours outside of class preparing. That's a 48-hour week.
Now, add in the hours that these students will be spending at work, and all of a sudden they're making medical interns look like sport industry majors. To those who spend their evening hours preparing the D.P. Dough and pizza pies that help to fuel the rest of this academic community, I salute you. And I hope that my compassion has earned me free lunch. (Seriously, my e-mail address is at the bottom.)
How about those who are busy resume bolstering with various extra-curricular activities? I'm sure that Student Senate President Brian Footer is too busy doing ... well, I mean he's the president of student senate so I'm sure that he's ... you know legislating important student-related ... he doesn't do anything does he?
Okay, well then think of the College Dems or Republicans or whatever society you may cater to. Obviously, these responsibilities put a real cramp on time, and with you I share my empathy as well. Except Footer; that guy probably gets free lunches all the time - as if free tuition weren't enough.
Jobs and extra-curriculars are the two most valid arguments for falling behind in one's studies, but these excuses fly in the face of the unspoken code of the Fellowship of Lethargic College Students - they're setting the curve too high.
What about those of us who don't get all of our work done on time because we were out drinking Tuesday night? What about those of us who sold enough gentlemen's' slacks over break to not be forced to come into the dining hall at 7 in the damn morning? What about Chowder, who was up all night paddling his pledges? We're the ones getting a 58 percent on the mid-term, praying everyone else failed it too. But you nerd-lingers have come in and gotten 92 percent, and where does that leave us? I'll tell you where, right in the middle of man-I'm-totally-screwedville.
Obviously I'm not expecting anyone who has responsibilities outside of class or those who have managed to stay on track to cease and desist merely because my brethren and I in leisure need our extension pleas to carry more weight. We've been lying for years; we deal in excuses like Andy Warhol deals with Campbell's soup. All we're asking for is an apology. A delicious apology.
We don't want you to grovel at our feet or beg like feeble-minded peasants, but I've come up with the perfect reparation. As yesterday was Valentine's Day, the price of heart-shaped candy will drop faster than property value in Denmark. My suggestion to all of you over-achievers out there is to dig into your day-planner and dole out fifteen minutes to walk down to Family Dollar and buy a bag or two.
Then spend the next few weeks spotting out those of us whose slovenly behavior has been most-rashly exposed by your punctuality, and give us our due thanks via heart shaped Snickers-bars. And if you have a hard time spotting us, I'd suggest isolating any student in the back row wearing hemp.
Your generosity will not go unrewarded, because if there's one thing I'm sure of in this world, it is that any true slacker loves chocolate.
- Eric Dryden is a senior creative writing major. Send him an e-mail at ed890402@ohiou.edu.
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Eric Dryden
