Warning: contents under pressure may become manly.
Stress drives the world, sometimes off of a cliff.
Eustress, Distress and Manstress. Respectively: stress that makes you happy (playing basketball or Super Smash Brothers), stress that makes you sad (failing a test or playing Super Smash Brothers) and stress that separates the men from the boys (projects due the week before final exams and Super Smash Brothers).
Men thrive on deadlines. Tell a man to take a bath; he won’t do it. Tell a man to take a bath by 5 o’clock or you will cut off the head of his favorite horse and leave it in his bed while he sleeps, and he’ll even wash behind his ears.
All he needed was a deadline.
Men fight stress with the strength of 1,000 oxen. At the same time, they remain cool, mostly because 1,000 oxen spook easily.
However, don’t ever use more than 1,000 oxen. You know what they say, “An oxen over 1,000 is worth three in a bush, but then you have to feed them, and that just gets messy, and messy oxen are The Devil’s playthings.”
Relax. Focus your time and concentration. Work stoically and then celebrate after you finish.
Nervousness reduces reaction time and focusing ability. Have you ever seen a nervous man juggling flaming chainsaws? No, because they all died.
Poor stress-coping techniques such as fainting, vomiting, belligerence and nervous breakdowns not only fail to reduce stress levels but also create new stressors including bodily injury, bad breath, criminal charges and expensive psychological appointments.
Stress makes people stressed. It is cyclical. And the only shape less manly than a circle is a rhombus. “What … 90degree angles too hard for you, Rhombus? Go buy a protractor.”
All work and no play makes Jack a boyish man. Men take time for themselves.
When you need to take a break, relax with a quiet game of racquetball and some Red Bull. If you feel stressed out, stop and say twenty “Dudes.”
Not only does manliness reduce anxiety levels, it costs less. When was the last time you had to drown your relaxed confidence in a bottle of tequila?
Men work when they need to. If you need to burn the candle at both ends, do it. I would recommend a fluorescent light bulb instead. But as long as you have something to catch the wax, I say, “Go ahead.”
Men: better under pressure, until they pop.
— Alex Bill is a sophomore studying psychology. Ask him about man stuff at ab279708@ohiou.edu.
